Balance

I gained 5kg after my wedding. I went full crazy and fell back into my old habits of binge eating.

Rather than dusting myself off and getting stuck back into my healthy routine which would have put me back on track I panicked.

I panicked, freaked out, and then tried to change a million things in my life because I had lost faith in my ability to take care of myself. The further I slipped back into bad habits the more I despaired and the more I despaired the more I binged to cover up the stress. A very nasty cycle!!

Basically my head went a bit like this:

• Omg another kilo on!
• Omg, nothing I do will work, I can't stop eating!
• There's something really wrong with me, I'm going to be back to my starting weight within months!
• I'm so stressed, I need to eat!
• Ugh, I feel so disgusting, I need to make a plan. I know, I'll exercise 3 times a day, eat 1400 cals a day and be hard on myself, I'll start tommorrow.
• I've been eating healthy for two days and I still weigh 5kg more than before my 2 months of binge eating, wtf!?
• This isn't working, omg, so fat, must comfort eat.
• I'll hire a personal trainer.
• She says to eat 1900cals per day. Can't do that.
• If I'm going to eat more I'll make it all protein, that's what weight training is about, right?
• Her workouts are too easy, I don't feel like I'm working off these calories,  I feel a bit abandoned by her.
• This high protein diet is boring, don't want the food I packed for lunch, so I'll go buy something.
• Didn't lose a kilo this week, must comfot eat.
• Carb binge ensues...

And so it has gone on and on. I sit down, make a plan, expect to be skinny within days, get disappointed and then have a binge.

This isn't me, I'm not thinking rationally, I'm just in a huge panic. It really does need to stop. I'm playing games with the scales, I won't weigh myself for weeks then I'll weigh daily and get mad if I'm still over 78kg. 

So, two problems I can fix right this minute:

• Set my daily calories to 1600 in myfitnesspal and not get anxious about this, I exercise daily so this is reasonable.
• Email my personal trainer and outline how I feel. I was so excited to start working with her, but so far things aren't working out as I'd hoped.

That last one is a tricky one, but it's my money and I don't feel I'm getting value, even though I think she's fantastic as a person and an athlete.

Three goals I will work on this week:

• Getting back into walking to work and try out doing weights in a lunch break. 
• Finding time to fit in at least two runs, even if they are just 20-25 minutes.
• Eating within my calorie goal each day, taking one day at a time and bearing in mind that one meal in a restaurant that may push me over my calorie limit is not going to make me gain weight. 

I really want to get back on track, my goal is still 68kg and I want to get there! My work midwinter party is in 5 weeks, and I think in that time I can get back under 75kg.