Positive Steps

I broke down last week, after my post about being stuck in a loop forever. I cried and cried about not being good enough for myself to love. Boyfriend said something so profound it just hit me in the face. 


"Just do what makes you happy"


I stopped crying and started laughing. 
BF: Whats so funny?
Me: I don't want to eat fucking eggs for breakfast tomorrow.
BF: ?? So why are you?
Me: Because that's what will make me good enough for me tomorrow, I was going to drop carbs because thats what strong willed people do. Well I'm good enough right now, so I'm going to eat cereal because that's what I damn well like.


And that was that.


The happiest I've ever been while losing weight was Weight Watchers. Their plan allows for dinners out, alcohol and chocolate. It doesn't make you feel guilty for eating carbs and the food is delicious which is great because I love to cook. I joined up the next day, today was my first weigh in and I've dropped 1.8kg. I am SO close to progress pics I swear I'm working on it!!!


So that's me, I'm just doing what makes me happy. It's my new motto and it always puts things in perspective. Whenever I get stressed out I remind myself, just do what makes you happy.

Control

I love control. I had very little of it growing up, but I love it. A counsellor once suggested overeating when I wasn't allowed to was a way of taking control back, sticking it to my parents. Probably was...


I have control over my actions and my life, so I need to start using it for good. Taking one day, one hour, one decision at a time is the only way forward.


Salad is in the fridge, veggie sticks are chopped, food is logged. Bring it.

Will I be like this forever?

Will I think about food and my weight obsessively forever? Lose weight and then gain it again? Start a new diet and blow it? Get my hopes up and crush them? Lie awake at night hating myself and my body? Avoiding social situations? Living a life of regret? Searching in desperation for a cure? 


I feel like my life is on repeat. I have this disease that can't be cured, why can't I do this?


A skinny person would say losing weight is easy. Just stop eating. But it's not like that. I'm different. I'm perpetually hungry, it just never stops. Please make it stop. Please.


The pressure I'm putting on myself for the wedding is compounding these feelings. But I don't see a way out. I can't get married like this. I see girls bigger than me, and I think "they could get married like that". But not me, I'm different. If I'm not skinny and pretty what am I? I'm neither of those things so really what am I? I don't know. I just don't know.

Timeline of my Day

Wake at ungodly hour, push snooze button, get up ten mins late, miss the bus, get to the gym late, weigh-in (YEEHAA), work out, walk to work, amazing waterfront view, early to work, so sleepy, breakfast, sleepy, technical tasks ugh gross, coffee and carrot sticks, crunch all numbers, starving, eat salad for lunch, hungry, more spreadsheet ninja-ing, sleepy, sleepy, starving, carrot sticks and sprite zero, clock watching, sleepy, leave work early, mad traffic, sleepy, search for cat, supermarket, search for cat, grapes, lamb and mashed pumpkin, blog, find cat!, blog, TV, sleepy, internet, chocolate, sleep.

Phew.

My view on the way to work this morning (it looks dark but it actually wasn't?)

I've lost 1.5kg since I last weighed in with my PT 3 weeks ago. Considering for 10 days of that I was on a total bender eating everything I could get my hands on and I haven't been able to exercise in two weeks I'm pretty happy with that. I'm really trying to keep my calories at the 1200 mark because I still can't do intense exercise with my ankle so I am hungry a lot. Hungry and grumpy. But it's not forever, so I'll be ok. And I still have a few squares of chocolate each day.

Oh, and the dumbest thing that makes me want to eat a lot, one of my kitties has gone missing :( it's been 5 days now and I'm so worried ------- OMG! Literally just as I was typing that he walked in the door! Looks like he's been in a fight so might be a vet trip tomorrow but YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! (Amended my timeline above haha)

Almost Fridaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

It's almost the freaking weekend and despite my injury I'm determined to enjoy it!


Girls weekend! Been looking forward to this for so long!

• Roadie tomorrow, 2 hours with Boyfriend after work then 2 hours with the girls to our sunny, vineyard filled destination!
• Manicure date on Saturday morning
• Wineries!
• Hot pools (unfortunately I have to sit this one out due to hot water plus swelling = evil)
• General Saturday night tomfoolery (again, not sure how much of this I can partake in, especially as the physio has banned me from alcohol but we're thinking positive here mmmkay!)

Today I had my first session with the physio (take that ACC) where she gave me a compression bandage to help with the disgusting swelling and gave me a reasonably painful massage. Once the swelling goes down we will start doing exercises in my two sessions next week. She thinks maybe another four weeks and I'll be on the move, but she agrees that I could venture to the gym on Monday for an exercycle and upper body weights. No squats, lunges or calf raises. Boo.

Oh! Also, I'm not the smelly new kid at work anymore! I have finally been there long enough to know what is going on and how I fit into the picture. And, to be honest and not sound totally full of myself I think I'm doing pretty well. I was scared that this would be a big step up in my career and I might not do so well, but that's just silly self-doubt. I've always been hard working and diligent, why would that be any different now? I think the company I work for is pretty fantastic as well (not something that's easy to find) so I feel all-around pretty lucky. I'm smiling as I write this so maybe I need to take time out to count my blessings a bit more often?

I have sent out my will you be my bridesmaid cards, I got them custom made and sent them out with flowers to my bridesmaids. I got so nervous and shy! One has received hers and I can't wait to celebrate in person this weekend. I'm crossing my fingers that the florist gets the other card on its way tomorrow. Ahhh! I can't help but be scared of rejection, stupid I know but that's the way I am. 

I am procrastinating from all the weekend packing I need to do. BUT I HATE PACKING MORE THAN I HATE WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Gah.

When I get back you and I need to have a big old chat about two things, money and weight loss. Booooooo boringgggg.

Inside my head

There are two people inside my head.
I know this, because they tell me different things, and argue about what's best for "me" (does this mean there are three people????)


Here they are:
1. The person I want to be (shoulder-angel)
This is the person in my head who loves to work out, loves healthy food, shuns alcohol, smugly reads every article on healthy eating and can tick all the boxes saying "I already knew that". She can list the calories in each food item, put together a balanced and tasty meal and loves the feeling of sticking to a diet and getting down to her healthy weight. She's disgusted by my current weight, but knows that all it will take is a bit of hard work to fix it.


2. The person I revert to (shoulder-devil)
This is the sloth, shunning exercise and embracing all things chocolate. This person has no problem wandering into a dairy and buying a king size block of chocolate to consume alone, in fact, she plots about it all day. She anticipates every opportunity to eat unhealthy food and drink her body weight in alcohol. She avoids healthy eating articles and websites and hates skinny girls who are just trying to make her feel bad. She even shoved a skinny girl recently (true story) for "getting in her way". Her bitterness and sadness about her body consumes.


For the most part this year I have been the shoulder-angel. Unfortunately, my sprained injury and upcoming weekend away has tipped a few things into the shoulder-devil's favour and she is taking advantage of all these weaknesses to lure me into her warped ways of thinking.


I'm bloated, tired and miserable. On top of that my ankle is disgusting. I'm not really sure why I decided to compound my misery over not being able to exercise or have fun by adding in weight gain? The mind boggles.


Tomorrow shoulder angel needs to be in charge again.

Dear Wellington

Your weather is nasty, I'm flipping you the bird.

In somewhat related news I tried my darndest to hit the refresh button on the ticketek site to get Flight of the Concords tickets today but was unsuccessful. Heartbreak. Woe is me.