New teeshirt

Meet the "Don't care bears" my latest work tee-shirt (yes, the company I work for thinks it's totally cool for their accountant to wear this to work).

(got it from threadless.com)

P.S 75.8kg this morning. Woot! Total loss = 20.5kg

Finding Balance

Something I have thought about a lot recently is finding balance.

Is it possible to lose weight while having a social life?
Is it possible to have the body of your dreams without constantly feeling deprived?
Is it possible to keep the weight off?

Someone said something to me the other day that kind of made it all click. She is struggling with her weight and is going to use HCG to get the weight off. She told me: "When I go back to eating normally I should be able to keep it off". I think I offended her when I bluntly replied "The reason most people can't lose weight is because they refuse to accept that their normal needs to change".

It's like the age old saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always got"

Want to lose weight? CHANGE YOUR NORMAL.

It's not easy! That's why most people can't do it. 

But... at the same time... Want to keep it off? FIND BALANCE.

I would love to eat 100% clean, high protein, low carbs and lift heavy things until I have a bikini model's body but I know it's not what I personally want to live like. I want to enjoy Friday night drinks with friends, enjoy soft serve Tuesday at work and continue learning to cook amazing food. So far I have not given up any of those things. I have cut down to help shift the weight, but I have not given them up. And I never will.

I eat 1,500 calories per day, and I go over that at least one day a week. I eat chocolate every day. When jet plane lollies are going around at work I take two without tracking it. I don't eat my calories earned by exercise, and I exercise once or twice a day by running, hitting the gym, tennis lessons and also simple things like walking to work which gets in a lot of exercise as well as saving me money and the helping the environment.

The trick with weight loss is so simple it would have blown my mind if I had known it in January:
Find something you can do forever and just stick with it. Don't do it all at once, change one thing at a time until you are there.

Don't want to eat fish and steamed veggies forever? Then don't. But at the same time, don't expect the body that goes with it. Don't want to give up a daily muffin and mocha? Then don't, but also don't complain if you are overweight. I will be happy to be a stocky size 10/12 when I hit goal... Because it means I don't have to give up things that are more important to me than a clothing size.

Fun facts

Because I love talking about myself and all, here are some fun facts:

1. In case you haven't guessed, I live in Wellington and love it to pieces. But boyfriend and I both grew up in New Plymouth, where we would like our children to grow up as well.

2. I am a Chartered Accountant, I work for a publicly listed company doing mostly technical work and absolutely love it. It takes seven years to become a CA and it is my proudest achievement to date.

3. The above point does not make me good with my money (although I wish it did).

4. I love Pink Floyd and I also have a bit of a thing for 90s soft rock such as Counting Crows, Wallflowers etc.

5. We have two cats (or maybe they have two pet humans?) who we dote on. We have a little moggy and a Bengal, the Bengal plays fetch and destroys the house.

6. Boyfriend proposed to me after a surprise helicopter ride around the Wellington area, it was the most special moment and it still gives me butterflies when I think about it. My engagement ring stone is an apricot/pink tourmaline. I wanted something a bit different.

7. I love giant jaffas and peanut butter. Not together though. I love coffee but only good quality espresso. 

8. I enjoy doing leg work at the gym, like squats and lunges, but hate doing arm work. My legs are real power houses and I love feeling strong.

9. If I won lotto I would buy a small cottage in the Mediterranean and spend half the year there, thus never living through a winter again.

10. Vegetable gardening gives me a huge amount of satisfaction, it is one of the most relaxing activities I have found, which is great for someone who is normally tense like me. At the moment I am growing herbs, garlic, lettuce  spinach, bok choy, asian greens, artichoke, tomato, courgette and a few others. Summer is when the fun starts!

 11. I love to cook. One of my goals post-wedding is to incorporate more gourmet cooking into my new lifestyle without the gourmet weight-gain. I think I might have to start running a lot more!

Dress pictures

Let's get the boring stuff out of the way... It's weigh-in day...

SW: 96.3kg
CW: 76.5kg
That's down 200g since last week. I was sitting on 76.2 on Saturday morning but I decided to enjoy my time with my mum and bridesmaids on Saturday night and we went out to Planet Spice for an amazing Indian curry and I had a few cheeky glasses of red wine. No big deal.

Here are some photos of two dresses that I have definitely decided against, I can't post the one I'm thinking of just in case Boyfriend happens upon it. I should note that I'm a little worse for wear in the photo as we had to run six blocks in torrential rain to get to the store. It was not fun!

Vanity check: doesn't my waist look TINY!????

So um yup that is all I have for today, I've got thoughts in my head that I need to get down, maybe tomorrow.

Dress Shopping - Quick recap

Caution: Boring wedding talk!!!

First off, I'd just like to say that my concerns were totally invalid. I can't help but admit that I LOVED the way I looked in the dresses, my belly is flat and my waist is small. I comfortably fit all size 12 dresses in the shops and was even in a size 10 at one point.

Ok here's a quick recap:

We started at Brides on Thorndon, where I did not fit any of the dresses, they were all in size 14 and the lady had to grab the back of the dress and pull hard for us to see what it looked like. I fell in love with a traditional lace gown with an amazing low back on it as well as a gown with a little less lace and a bit of beading on it, with shoulder straps which I really love. I would love to have either of those dresses, the only thing that turns me off is they don't fit so I can't visualise what it would be like, and the service at the store wasn't amazing. The lady was great, but no photos were allowed and life was just a bit easier at the second store.

We grabbed a quick coffee before heading over to Astra Bridal. I tried on the usual variety of dresses (which started to all look the same) and fell in love with a traditional lace dress with crystals, I'm not a huge fan of beading but this dress made it work and I could imagine peeling the lace off if I have a daughter for her to incorporate into her gown (a dream every mother has but I'm sure by then it will be so unfashionable). I also fell in love with a frou-frou  dress that we nicknamed the "swan" gown. I can't even describe why I love it so much and I know it is very much an "in-fashion" dress and the only reason I don't buy that one is that I wonder if I will still love it as much in a few years time once fashions have changed?

Now to decide! This decision is killing me. My plan is to revisit the stores next weekend, in the reverse order so I can try them all on again and make my final decision. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to do it, and it might end up coming down to liking the service at Astra Bridal better.

Oh! And yesterday morning I weighed in at 76.2kg which means I broke through the 20kg lost mark! Fantastic!!!

Freaking out

In January I set the goal that before I even set foot in the door of a wedding dress shop I would weigh less than 78kg.

In June I set a date with my bridesmaids to go on the wedding dress hunt. I calculated in excel how much weight I would need to lose per week to get to 78kg (600g by the way) and decided I could do it.

My weight this morning was 76.4kg and on Saturday I am going wedding dress shopping.

I should be stoked, I smashed my goal out of the park. But I'm not. I'm totally freaking out. 
I still see myself as huge, I don't know if anything will fit me or look good and I hate my arms. I also don't know what size to order the dress in as I still have around 8kg to go before I reach goal. I am literally dreading the weekend and wish this week would go slower.

This should be exciting!!!

At the moment I have been having loads of fat days. I think I always imagined that when I got to this weight I would be looking fantastic. I'm pleased with how I look but I still hate my arms and legs. I'm worried that when I get to the magic 68kg I'll still feel like this. When is enough going to be enough? I don't want to go overboard, I want to live a balanced life. I think part of that is going to involve learning to accept a result that is less than perfect.

I will always have chunky thighs, but I also think that makes me good at running and cycling. 
I have a little loose skin on the tops of my arms, but this will improve over the next year or two and it's a constant reminder of my hard work and discipline.

I just feel a bit lost at the moment.

On a brighter note, I went shopping last weekend and bought myself a pair of size 12 jeans and a new jersey, check out the new threads:

A big cow

Once upon a time there was a chubby yet happy Hailey who loved to ride her cruiser around Palmy North. One sunny Friday afternoon in 2011 she set off from work on her cruiser, feeling good about the spring day and excited to meet up with some friends for a beer in the sun.

As she left work, stopping to get onto the road with her bike a car full of young men stopped at the intersection. 

"Look! There's a big cow!!!" exclaimed one. The others laughed at this giant cow on her bike, how dare she be out enjoying the nice weather. On her bike Getting some exercise.

I died a little bit inside that day. It wasn't since I was at intermediate school that someone had made fun of me because of my weight. 

I was around 90kg, big yes, obese yes, but I wasn't HUGE. 

So many beautiful, intelligent women in this world are ridiculed or judged by small minded pigs because of their size, or their looks, or because they have intelligence and aren't afraid to show it. I didn't lose weight for those losers in the car that day, I lost weight for me and my health. 

That experience has taught me to not judge people until I know them, and to give everyone the respect that they deserve. 

They may have won that battle by reducing me to tears and ruining my night, but I've won the war. They can get fucked.