I was overjoyed when I saw 87.1kg on the scales this morning, 9.2kg gone woot woot! But my happiness didn't last for long.
Something isn't right. I'm not meant to succeed. I've never succeeded at weight loss before. I'm meant to be the chubby one, the non-threatening one.
It's kinda... well... scary.
I'm scared of being hit on by guys
I'm scared of blowing my money on designer clothes when they finally fit
I'm scared of becoming someone who judges overweight people
I'm scared of people looking to me for inspiration
I'm scared of being vain
I'm scared of people being jealous of my perfect life
I'm scared I don't deserve what I've worked so hard for
I'm scared I didn't really earn this because I eat less on Saturdays
I'm scared of the confidence that bubbles out of my mouth nowadays
I'm scared people will think I'm stupid
I'm scared people will think I'm smart
I'm scared of not being able to blame life's problems on my weight.
I had a strong urge to binge this morning, purely because everything was going too well. I have tried for so long to put the person I was behind me, and I'm finally succeeding. I'm scared I'll forget who I was, forget where I came from and forget how hard it was.
I catch myself wishing overweight people would just stop complaining and get on with it. Um. Yeah. Judgemental much? Pot and kettle perhaps?
That's scary.
It's all scary. I feel like my body is changing too fast for my mind to keep up. I'm scared I'm going to let this fear take over and I'll blow it all again. Just to prove myself right, that I can't do it and I should never have tried.
Well I don't care. I'm going to keep going because it might be scary but that kind of scary is nothing compared to the nightmare I used to have in my own head every day.
I deserve this. I will tell myself that until I believe it.
Don't be scared, that's just another sneak trick your little "fat voice" has to make you gain weight again and binge.
ReplyDeleteEMBRACE being hit on by guys
BE EXCITED to blow all your money on designer clothes.
DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF to judges overweight people.
GET EXCITED of people looking at you for inspiration
BE PROUD of being vain
YOU DO deserve what you've worked so hard for
BE EXCITED of the confidence that bubbles out
BE CONFIDENT, YOU HAVE WORKED HARD AT THIS, YOU DESERVE THIS, DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL ANYTHING BUT UTTER PRIDE!
Keep up the amazing work, you inspire me on a daily basis!
xx
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, I was having a really difficult afternoon with that horrible fake hunger and seeing your comment pop up in my email really helped me get through it :)
Delete