So yeah

Not cured. Not immune. Not fixed.

Today I ate my (large) healthy lunch, got back to my desk and something told me to eat. At 2pm I ate my afternoon tea muesli bar. At 2.20pm I ate another one. At 2.30pm I ate a third. At 3pm I ate a small pack of m&ms from the vending maching. 

At 5pm I did the ultimate bad habit that haunts me from my past. I made up an excuse to go to the supermarket on the way home, went there, bought a chocolate bar and ate it before I even made it to the bus stop.

At 6pm when I got home I ate 2 prunes and a muesli bar.

I feel sick. I feel ashamed and I feel scared.

I will be fighting this my whole life. I have two options, give in like I used to and look like I used to, or keep fighting it and accept that sometimes I will succumb and I will never be truly cured.

I need to reframe the way I am looking at this in my head. Yes, I made a mistake, I slipped into old habits. I knew I was doing it and I did it anyway. This is a reminder that I'm human and that habits that were a huge part of my life for ten years will not die easy, it is going to take constant vigilance. 

I gave up weight watchers. It was partially about the money and it was partially about defiance. Why do I need someone else to tell me what I weigh every week? I know enough about nutrition, why do I need to rely on their programme? Yes, it's a great programme but it's not the be all and end all.

What triggered today?
- Feeling full - for some reason I need to feel real hunger before I eat, otherwise I overeat. Seems weird, but I think when I feel real hunger my body has effectively "reset" and will then tell my brain the difference between hungry and full. If I eat when I'm not 100% hungry my brain doesn't seem to get the message when I'm full, probably from years of overeating when not hungry.
- Stress? Work is a bit crazy and I'm worried that I'm not doing the right things. There's a bit of an opportunity to step up to the plate at the moment and I'm worried about how I'm doing.
- Complacency. I'm happy with how I look, it's a comfortable weight where my body sat for years throughout High School and Uni and I think deep down a part of my brain thinks it's impossible to get any smaller.
- Exhaustion. Not physical exhaustion, but I'm tired of losing weight. It's been a long slog and I'm proud of how far I've come but it's tiring, I get out the scales every morning with a sigh that I have to do it, rather than looking forward to it.
- Mini plateau - my body is beginning to resist losing weight. I have a few big losses then I stay the same for a fortnight and to be honest it's pissing me off. 
- Eating too much sugar. That stuff is addictive and nasty, I'm sick of eating fake food and I want to challenge myself to eat wholesome good foods rather than processed convenience food.

So many things to think about. One thing I know for sure, I feel like rubbish right now, unmotivated, full and lazy. That's not me anymore.

Goals for this week:
- No weighing until Tuesday. Daily weighing is taking its toll on my psychologically and it's gotta stop, used to love it, now hate it.
- Starting C25K tomorrow. Committing to it 100%. I'm light enough to run with ease so let's roll.
- Limit processed junk
- Count those calories!

By the way, I'm down to around 78.2kg now (maybe a bit more after today) which is 200g away from my wedding dress fitting goal weight! Woop!