Fear

Fear.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil,pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feelingor condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding,apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright,panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage,security, calm, intrepidity.

During my journey I have learned a lot about emotions, including fear. 
When I binged, I would be effectively covering up my emotions. But at the time I genuinely believed that wasn't the reason, I thought I was eating because I loved food. It is only now that I have stepped out of the binge cycle and started to experience a full range of emotions to their complete extent again that I see now that I was kidding myself. I ate to calm my emotions, eating made it so the only emotion I felt was discomfort and a bit of shame. I didn't like them, but they were familiar.

Anyways, a long time ago I read a few books about giving up binge eating (not helpful as I was in denial that I had a problem) and they talking about recognising emotions and feelings as they come into your head, but not necessarily acting on them or taking them any further. Not overthinking, just observing your feelings and acknowledging them. I thought it was a total load of malarkey. 

On Saturday I realised that since I've been recovering these past few months I have been learning to deal with emotions without even realising.

It all started on Saturday morning. I was staying with friends and had a long run planned for the morning (25 minute run, my longest one to date). I woke up feeling like garbage. My throat hurt, my eyes were swollen, my nose was running and my appetite was gone. I figured I felt so average a run might make me feel better so I went ahead as planned, drove to the river and began my run.

Within 5 minutes I was ready to give up. As soon as my brain started to think about giving up my breathing got quicker and a bit panicky and running got harder. I started to analyse what on earth was going on.

- Is my body too sore to run? No. Muscles are all ok, I've trained well for this.
- Am I too sick to run? No. A bit of a head cold but not much in my chest.
- Am I too unfit to run? No. I've done 20mins before!

- So why do I think I can't do this? I'm scared.
- Scared of what? Failing, having to stop, my body hurting too much, feeling like I will spew by the end.

So let's get this straight. Physically, my body was geared for the run. Mentally, I was letting fear stop me.

In that moment I decided that from now on, fear is no longer the strongest emotion in my body. I have plenty of other emotions which are stronger such as determination, pride, tenacity, ferocity. It was incredible, as I came to that realisation in my mind I swear I felt my feet pick up the pace a little and my breathing evened out.

And so I ran. I ran even though it hurt my throat to breathe, even when my stomach cramped up in the last 10 minutes I forced through the pain, I just told myself over and over that the strongest emotion in my body at this point in time is pride and I have far too much of it to let this run beat me.

At the end of the run I had to stop and gather myself as I was close to puking from the stomach cramp and a bit faint, but within a minute I was walking normally and feeling fine. 

It was amazing, I have learned to recognise emotions and then make a rational decision as to whether I will act on them or not. Fear is an extremely strong emotion which I used at the start of my journey to motivate me. I was scared of being an obese wife and mother, scared of not enjoying my wedding day, scared of crying when I see my wedding photos. I think we can use fear to our advantage, but it's also important not to let fear hold us back. To do that we need to recognise it as fear, rather than the excuses or labels we sometimes give it, and then decide how to act on it.

- What would the worst thing about failing this run today be? I'd feel let down and unfit.
- Why is that so scary, surely you can chalk it up to experience? Um... true. Not scary at all.

Today I attempted another 25min run uphill with a backpack on and I totally nailed it, didn't even think about the time or pain, I just got on and got it done.

So, what emotion do you let control you?