Like, not joking. As in, I actually did fall off the train.
So embarrassing I just wanted to die. Then the ambulance came and further mortification ensued.
Picture it, I was on the train to Palmy, all ready for drinks with my old workmates who I miss like crazy, branded up in my new work teeshirt (because let's be honest, I don't miss my old work that much). I didn't want anyone to steal the taxi I had called so I was hurrying, but I still found time to swap my flat shoes for heels (big mistake) before stepping off--------
And suddenly I'm in a collapsed heap on the ground, writhing in pain while people huddle around staring in horror at my right ankle which is suddenly triple the size it was when I started my descent, daintily clad in 4 inch black gold studded heels.
I lost my balance, my right ankle twisted, I fell, somehow there is a graze on the top of my foot (?) from how I landed and I spent Friday night in hospital bawling my eyes out and blubbering about the Waitarere Forest Run. Like a baby I was, like a baby.
So it's really badly sprained. Super bad, the doc was impressed. I'm not.
After 8 hours sitting at work today my foot was like a balloon, I kid you not as soon as my toes stop the inflation starts. Totes foul to look at, unless you are my boy-workmate-#-1 in which case it is an excellent source of entertainment throughout the day.
Poor boy-workmate-#-2 has to put up with me elevating my foot right next to him all day and I confess I got caught in the rain in my flat shoes (all my fat feet will fit) not long ago and as a result they stink. S-T-I-N-K. Nasty.
On a more serious note, I'm devo about the run. I had actually been putting some effort into this and I was doing really well. I was also about to dip into the 80's on the scales and suspect this would have been the case had my foot not decided to surround itself in about a kilo of excess fluid.
Sigh.
I so don't want this week to become a write off but no exercise + mildly depressed about no exercise + open bar on wednesday with boy-workmates-#1&2 + girls weekend away in the lovely Hawkes Bay this weekend = dubious results at best.
GRRR when will I ever get ahead!!!!!
Although, while I was lying on the train platform shaking and teeth chattering (I went into shock, because I couldn't possibly be more lame) I overheard the train driver calling the ambulance and he described me as "early twenties". In that moment the pain stopped and the sun shone as I clutched at the hope that I might be imagining the beginning of wrinkles under my eyes. Then the teeth chattering and pain resumed and once more I felt awful.
Oh, and boyfriend was in the middle of dinner with my old workmates (ya know, the ones I was trying to show off my newly found big-city-awesome-job-coolness to) when I rang him, and just to make sure he understood what I said he repeated it loudly and slowly "YOU-FELL-OFF-THE-TRAIN?" in front of EVERYONE. Then my BGP (Best Guy Pal) went over it a bit more after BF had left, just for anyone who hadn't heard. Love that guy. As always, my total coolness is just outstanding.
Here's a pic from the Emergency Dept. I call the swelling in this pic about a 6/10 while 6pm today was a 10/10. Nasty.
Day one of my initial 25 days done!
I started training for my Waitarere Forest 5k today as well, I got the gym with the intention of hitting the treadmill but they were all in use and it looked like they were really settling in for the long haul. So I took advantage of the beautiful weather (almost no wind - unheard of for Wellington!) and went for a run along the waterfront. It was hard, not gonna lie. I planned to run 5mins, walk 1 and repeat that 5 times. After the third time my calf muscles and achilles were screaming. I wore heels at work today and I really paid for it. So for the final 15 mins I alternated running with walking a bit more frequently, but I did not give up which makes me hugely proud :)
Last night I found out that the wedding dress I have fallen in love with is waaaayyy out of our price range so I've decided to try on some off the rack gowns in September and if nothing feels like "the one" I will get a dressmaker to copy the one I've found for a fraction of the price.
Food today has been good, I managed to turn my mood around quite well too as I woke up in a foul self-loathing state for allowing myself to be back to 92.5kg on the scales and for once again letting myself down. I can't move forward without forgiving myself for being imperfect, but it's just really hard sometimes!!
Exercise tomorrow is easy as I've got netball (I always manage to stumble into sports teams...) so just need to keep my food on track. I've realised that the problems with me and food starts when I make a conscious decision to go off track. It can start with a small treat, a meal out for dinner that I want to make the most of or it can start with a boozy Friday afternoon, but it always has the same impact and can be really hard to recover from. So I'm going to have a go at no extras, no cheat meals, nothing I can't be accountable for, just to see how it goes. I'm getting to the point where I can't visualise myself smaller because I've been this size for so many years now, and that's scary. So I need to prove to myself that it can be done. If I weigh less than 78kg when I go wedding dress shopping I will be happy. I don't need to be a size 8 or 10, I just want to be have arms that don't spill over everything and I want to be comfortable. Back at that weight I was comfortable, I would always have preferred to lose a bit more but I could walk into stores and take my pick of clothes, I had the confidence to go out dancing with my friends and I could run a bit quicker than my current snail pace.
All in time though, I guess learning about myself as I go is important and that's why losing weight takes so long. Sigh.
Today I was surfing the intertubes, in denial about my crazy eating (yesterday I decided that I would eat 600 calories a day so I could become skinny once and for all, which lead to a crazy binge today after being so hungry I could have devoured a small animal... #whenwillIlearn) when I stumbled across The One.
I've wanted to lose weight to look amazing in my wedding dress, but all along I've had a deep seated fear that I haven't liked a single wedding dress despite hours of trawling through bridal websites and even going wedding dress shopping with another bride to be (on a side note - I look gawd awful in the "groomslady" dress said bridetobe has chosen, must not have hips for africa this time next year...).
Until today. Today, by accident I stumbled across a website containing The One. The Dress. The Object of My Affection. My reason to diet.
The One will not suit me the way I look now, it will not skim lightly over my huge hips which have created a tyre-like formation above my arse. It will not highlight my non-existent collarbones. I MUST HAVE THE DRESS AND I MUST LOOK LIKE A GARDEN GODDESS.
I challenge myself to 100 days. 100 days of less than 1500 calories per day. One hundred days of kindness to myself and my body.
Also, I challenge myself to my first ever 5km running race! 14th March - Waitarere Forest. I've even made a training schedule.
So. First phase - 25 days. 3.5 weeks. Goal - Under 89kg.
I will have my dream dress!!! (I've emailed the store - hoping like anything that they have it in stock for me to ogle and it's affordable so I don't have to turn to a life of crime to have it #Icannotbestopped).
My notable absence hasn't been because I've been working out and eating so well I haven't had time to check in. Oh, quite the contrary my friends!
I have been living it up, eating copious amounts of garbage and being in total denial about the fact that I have probably put on about 2-3kg of the 5.5kg that I have worked so hard to shed.
In reviewing where it all went horribly wrong here are the things I have learned:
- Giving yourself a "day off" your so called "lifestyle change" is NOT how you change your lifestyle!! Healthy people don't have days off, they don't have allowable binges, they may have the odd overindulgence but they SELF CORRECT - something I have not yet learned to do!
- Three chocolate bars in one bus trip is not ok
- Eating two lunches is not ok
- Skipping the gym because I am too full is not ok
- In order to reach your goals, your actions must be in line with the end result, not going the opposite way
- drinking half a bottle of wine by myself is not ok
- using food as a way to overcome emotions I don't understand is not ok
- using food as a way to overcome emotions I do understand is not ok
- Self forgiveness is ok.
So, I am back on track now that we are back from our long weekend away it's time to figure this out.
When you go on about a million diets you get pretty in tune with your body and how it reacts to certain things. I've learned a few things recently:
1. I am super sensitive to sugar
2. I am also quite sensitive to caffeine (never thought I was)
Both these chemicals make my brain race and the coffee can give me the shakes. Too much sugar in the form of lollies (candy) makes my stomach hurt.
I've decided to cut out sugar and alcohol for the time being, as well as continuing to minimise processed foods as much as possible as I always do (they play havoc with my digestive system). I'm going to lay off the calorie counting for a wee bit as I have just invested a tonne of cash in a Personal Trainer who I will be meeting up with once a week and sharing a food diary with. She will point out where portion sizes might be too big or food choices might not be working. I had an initial chat with her last week and she seems really good, totally understood what I was after and where I am coming from and for once I feel that I've communicated well with a trainer, rather than lacking the confidence to say what I need from her.
As a guide foodwise I am using the basic idea from the bootcamp meal programme I got from the gym last year, I'm having a lot of snacks from it but also I'm using the calorie and macro nutrient profile from the meals to start creating some of my own. I'm hoping I can become a bit more in tune with my body this way rather than going off how many calories I'm putting in.
Lots to think about really, tomorrow I'll assess the damage on the scales. I feel bitterly disappointed but all I can do is put my chin up and move on.
Sad face.
Starting weight: 96.3kg
Last weigh in 91.8kg
Current weight: 90.8kg
Yes!!!
I am so close to being in the 80's! That just motivates me to push that little bit further this week. And I'm only 800g away from updated progress pics!
I am also on track to meet my February goal of a 3kg loss. BOOM! It's all happening here today!
For the first time since I moved to Wellington I had a Friday night where I didn't drink alcohol! And on Saturday I was rewarded with a nice drop on the scales, where normally on Saturdays I gain because of the damage from alcohol and the subsequent drunken fast-food from the night before!
I had devised a plan where Boyfriend would walk to meet me half way home from work, so I had to leave Friday Night Drinks on time (we've started doing this recently, it gets him some exercise and it means we have time to chat, away from TVs, housework and laptops!).
Unfortunately, he had to work late on Friday so couldn't leave the house to meet me. I almost let that turn into an excuse but my brand new workout pants I'd bought especially for the walk home were calling me from my gym bag under my desk.
Obstacle number one overcome!
I'd planned to grab a coke zero out of the fridge and have that instead of a wine, I opened the fridge and some lazy bugger had enjoyed the last one and not restocked!!! A warm one didn't really appeal and I was SO tempted to have a wine instead. But I know it's a slippery slope and if I have one I just keep on going so instead I went and chatted to people with no drink in hand, got really bored and left early to walk home. I just really wanted the week to be over so I power walked and it felt really good.
Obstacle two? No problem.
I was so proud, we cooked a healthy dinner and watched TV. We had a big Saturday of veggie markets and supermarket shopping and a walk to elite fitness to check out cross trainers. Then I woke up to find the forecast had been wrong and it rained. ALL. DAY. So it was a bit miserable. On top of that I ate far too much white bread which wasn't well made and I felt sick all afternoon.
Today we were meant to go to a couples lunch where we can start to meet new people. Unfortunately, Boyfriend cooked himself dinner last night (as I wasn't feeling up to food) and gave himself food poisoning by eating sour cream without checking the expiry date (almost three weeks ago...). I was so disappointed when we had to cancel I cried a bit. I just want to get to know people so badly! Some days I catch the bus home and I see groups of people sitting outside bars in the sun enjoying a few drinks and laughs together and I'm so jealous that I don't know anyone. Sigh. I felt bad for letting Boyfriend see how disappointed I was. It isn't his fault, and sometimes I get really selfish when I'm disappointed about something. I made an effort to tell him that I was upset with the situation, not with him. But it was still really hard.
The silver lining was I was so worried about eating a high calorie lunch the day before I weigh in that I got up, walked to the gym, worked out then walked home. Then I figured it would be best not to wallow in self-pity about missing the lunch so I got my domestic ninja on and cleaned the house which was well overdue. So today I've burned loads of calories, and haven't really been all that hungry so fingers crossed tomorrow I'll hit my target of a 750g loss on the scales.
One thing that is massively motivating at the moment is progress pics. I've never done progress pics before and as soon as I hit 90.0kg I get to take the next set. I hope to be there in 2 weeks so that's really pushing me!
I best be off now. I just remembered I have a girls group meetup tomorrow night which has made me feel a bit better. I just need to get out there and start meeting people!! I don't make friends easily, as I'm so wary of being hurt that I "filter" who I become friends with. Problem is, I filter far too hard which isn't fair on anyone. From now on, I'm making a conscious effort not to judge anyone or make assumptions about anyone and also not to think the worst of people until they prove me wrong.
I might even wear my new heels which I bought from Ultra last week when I should really be saving money for hiking boots... Ooops...
Just a quick stop by to say hello!
Everything is going well, I've had a small slice of chocolate each day for the past two days and haven't let it turn into a "I've blown it all now, what an idiot" binge fest. I'm pretty proud of that to be honest. Knowing that a small treat isn't going to kill me and won't make me put on a kilo instantly is so comforting. All these years I've binged after a very small slip up, I'm beginning to realise I was just using these as an excuse to overeat. I would plan it in my head, e.g. "we have that morning tea today, there is going to be soooo many nice things on that table, and we could even have take-out tonight because by then I'd have really blown it, oh and for lunch I could ask so-and-so out to eat fries with aioli, so I may as well start with a crappy breakfast, then I can eat whatever I want all day..."
That kind of thinking was so out of whack, yet those thoughts ran through my head every day. I was upset if I made myself stay on the straight and narrow. I would eat until I was sick, then roll myself off to bed. Poor Boyfriend was my second love, my true love was food. What scares me is this was only 5 weeks ago and there are still shades of it coming through now. The chances of me slipping back to that way of thinking are statistically higher than me coming through this with a rearranged head. Knowing that makes me more determined.
This journey started with my motivation not to cry when I saw a fat marshmellow in a wedding dress, but that's not so much my motivation anymore. Boyfriend and I love to make plans about the future, we plan to save really hard and build our dream home near our families in New Plymouth. We plan to have children and be an active family - walking, swimming, hiking, cycling and NOT sitting in front of a gaming console. To me, our future is perfect and we've both worked hard enough at our careers that our amazing dream home goal is realistic. My motivation isn't about what I look like, it's about my children and my future husband. It's about enjoying every moment I will have with them, rather than letting an obsession with food dull out the rest of the world and make me numb. It might sound weird that I think about children that are about 7 years away from being born so much but all my life I've wanted to be a mum and to break the cycle of broken homes that my family has seen so much of.
I gymed it up tonight and did a power class (similar to body pump) I really pushed myself hard until my arms felt like jelly. I keep thinking about wedding photos of my arms and that gets me through when the going gets tough (haha, still a little motivated by the wedding dress ok!?).
This weekend we get Monday off work for Waitangi Day. Can't wait! We've started a Saturday morning tradition of hitting the vegie market, supermarket and then going to People's coffee (best flat whites in the world, not even lying) to sit in the sun and get our fix.
Oh! My veggie garden is going sooooo well! I need to update with some pics asap! Veggie gardening really relaxes me, it's so weird but they grow so fast yet you never see them move. For some reason I can literally spend hours just looking at the plants and seeing new buds, leaves, flowers, fruit etc... Boyfriend is really nice and says my obsession with pointing out every single new tomato/capsiscum/strawberry/flower/bud/leaf isn't weird. Deep down he probably is quite concerned.
Wow, this wasn't such a quick check in. Right - bed time. Tomorrow is my first alcohol free Friday since I moved to Wellington.... Wish me luck!
