Thursday, July 19, 2012

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

It's that time again...

I owe y'all some progress pictures!!!

79.7kg this morning! I picked up the scales and stared at the number until they turned off. I have been dying to be in the 70s for so freaking long and now I'm here it just feels, well... normal.
My life hasn't miraculously changed and to be honest, the weight all disappearing from my top half has made my legs look kinda chunky. I know that's a terrible thing to think and I am so so glad that I have made it this far and I'm still going strong, but I guess I kinda had a lightbulb moment today when I realised that when I get to goal there will be parts of my body I don't like so much. And it won't be because I'm fat anymore, there will be things that losing weight won't fix and I will need to learn to accept my body for what it is. At the moment I don't think I'm ready for that yet. At the moment I want to lose weight and that is the reason I sometimes don't like what I see in the mirror. 

How will I adjust when I no longer have my weight to blame for imperfections? I think that will be a real test.

So anyways, progress pics... BF is not home tonight so you will need to wait until tomorrow I'm sorry...

Thursday, July 5, 2012

This Blog

Is totally a snore-fest. I'm sorry that I'm not very sorry.

I made this blog out of desperation, I wanted so badly to lose weight but nothing was working. No matter what I tried I couldn't seem to lose weight. It probably had something to do with the massive binges I would have when I thought noone was looking (and sometimes when they were).

I was broken. Very, very broken. The thought of being on my own with a selection of chocolates, cakes, cookies, whatevers was all that got me through the day. I was totally numb to other feelings. 

I can't ever say that I'm cured, but I have not binge eaten since Easter Monday and I can't even remember the last time I was tempted to binge. I have been respecting my body for so long that it is totally abnormal and repulsive to even consider eating that much food on purpose. Yes, occasionally (once or twice a month) I eat more than I realise in one sitting and feel a bit full, but it's never because I have intentionally shoveled as much high fat food into my mouth as possible to suffocate my feelings.

My binge-eating disorder was like the flu. The whole time you have the flu you are miserable, you can't think of anything else and nothing is as fun or as pleasant. You wish you were healthy all the time, with every cough, snuffle and sneeze you feel a bit sadder about the things you could be doing if it weren't for that awful cold.

My eating problems were exactly the same. They consumed my every thought. I spent hours on the internet each night trying to find a cure and I constantly felt sad about the fun I could be having if I weren't so miserable all the time.

Ever notice that you never have a moment where you are suddenly "better"? I have never suddenly sat up and said "my flu has gone away! Yay!". No. It gets better gradually over time as your body heals, so gradually that you don't notice except life seems easier and happier again. 

I didn't even notice that I don't want to binge eat anymore until last week when I heard someone eating on the bus and it triggered a painful memory of the girl who would go to the dairy after work and buy three chocolate bars to eat on the bus so she could get her binge in without her boyfriend knowing. At that moment it dawned on me, my mind is healing and the world is a happier and easier place to live in.

So, nowadays I don't seek comfort in this blog, because I don't feel uncomfortable. I'm glad I have it to upload progress pics, but I'll never be a blogger and I'm ok with that.

Also, as a side note, I am a MUCH MUCH MUCH better netballer now that I'm not carrying the 15.3kg that I had on me a few months ago. I can run faster, jump higher and play for longer. Love it.