Friday, April 27, 2012

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A happy farewell

This morning I saw 88.2kg pop up between my toes and I just have one thing to say:

Fare thee well obesity. 
I have not enjoyed your company, but you will never be forgotten.
I will keep memories of you as a reminder of how far I have come and what the alternative looks like when it all just gets too hard sometimes.

If we're not moving forward, then we are moving back.

Hello "overweight" category. You've been a companion for most of my life, but I won't be staying for long this time.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Weigh in day...

Weigh in day today! I was sure I was going to stay the same or have a small gain but by some miracle I lost 300 grams which I am super happy with. I knew this week wouldn't be a big hitter thanks to two big weeks the last two weigh ins and a combination of some mad bloating and sunday baking (never again) so yeah. Pleased. From time to time, everyone has an all in all rotten day at work. For me yesterday was one of those days. It really took it out of me, I even had a bit of a cry last night. No reason in particular, it's just a bit overwelming at times. Mostly in a good way but yeah. anyways, I've started hitting the gym to do pilates classes as my personal trainer has found my lower back is massively weak, I'm actually really enjoying it. In the past I've always had an attitude that if exercise isn't super intense it doesn't count, that's a mindset I'm trying to change. Tomorrow is ANZAC day and bf and I are going for a long walk or bike ride which will hopefully involve coffee :) Oh - today I sprinted to the bus, my ankle is healing like a bauss! I'm playing netball on Thursday, can't wait!!

Saturday, April 21, 2012



This morning I saw 88.8kg on the scales, BF announced I was shrinking after noticing he could pull my shorts half a foot away from my stomach (they were really tight when I started) and I walked to get our morning coffee feeling kinda... slim. I'm a long way from actually being slim but I'm allowed to feel that way sometimes!

Today we went and cleaned up my brother's room for when he gets better and gets back to Uni (the reason for my extremely stressful Easter, I won't go into details but it is a not-so-great situation in my life right now). 
After that BF and I sat down and nutted out a special treat for dinner (I struggle to use my propoints on weekends so I had 26 up my sleeve). We settled on a Weight Watchers cabonara recipe in the latest magazine along with a few glasses of Church Road winery Syrah that I picked up on my recent girls trip to the Hawkes Bay.

The pasta came out amazing, I was so glad because BF is a pasta fiend and always suffers when I'm on a "diet". This time is for life though so I am working hard to not miss out on anything :)

10pp. Can't argue.

Oh, and my physio cleared me to start running, play netball AAAANNNNDDD to start gently easing my ankle back into high heels. Oh how I've missed my little babies!
Here are three of them, so lonely without me!

Tomorrow morning I want to run/walk to the gym, do some weights then run/walk home. I'm so excited to get fit again! And it will be easier because despite my injury I have lost weight.

Ohhhh... I found these shoes for my wedding and I WANT THEM. Can't really justify the cost, but if I can get to the magical 78kg before wedding dress fitting they are MINE.
I want I want I want!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012


What is that large, slow moving creature? Extremely irritable and sensitive to light... That's me when I've. Gotten out of bed at 5.30am to be tortured by my personal trainer. Do not approach!

Happy Hump Day...

Sometimes at work I get so super busy and I think about all the work that needs to be done and my stomatch twists itself up into knots and I can't eat. Not complaining. If I knew this was the key to losing weight I'd have found somewhere super busy to work years ago!

Results of my kitchen experiments yesterday...

I decided to make a chicken, apricot and chickpea tagine from the most recent weight watchers magazine.
Simmering.... Smells sooo good! 

Once it was done I added some Spinach and let it wilt and put it into two microwave containers for work. 8pp per serve and it really filled me up!

For dinner last night we had roast vegetables, couscous and pan fried haloumi cheese. OMG I love haloumi! So freaking good! Drizzle a bit of olive oil over and it's like heaven. I didn't get a photo because I was just too hungry!

Oh, I don't mean to brag but I grew some of the ingredients myself!

I am DREADING getting up at 5.30am tomorrow morning for personal training. Ugh. I almost rang and cancelled it today but recently it's been almost the only exercise I've been managing. So lazy!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Oh Em Geeeeee

So yeah. Weighed in today at my meeting, lost 1.6kg, no big deal. 

I really feel like me wedding weight loss is realistic now and I'm so massively excited for what is to follow. 

Unrelated topic - so so bitterly cold in Wellington today. What's with that? Also, so need to start working out again but have no motivation nor inclination since the ankle train humiliation incident. Still can't run or play netball either which is a major bummerrrrr.

BF is at netball filling in for my team right now and I am MEGA jelly. Hmph. I'm about to get my weight watchers ninja on right now and test out a new recipe for my lunches over the next few days, watch this space.

Oh - the most amazing thing happened today! I was rushing back to work after my WW meeting and every subway in Wellington was absolutely packed. I was caught in the rain, hungry and grumpy. I waited in line for my lunch for what felt like forever, got to the register and lo and behold... no purse. FFFF!!!! 
I was apologising like crazy and about to resign myself to a hungry afternoon when the guy behind me in line stepped in and paid for my lunch. I asked if I could repay him - apparently no. Such a nice and kind thing to do, I truly owe karma a favour now. 

It made me think, if I were in his shoes would I have done the same? Probably not? But from now on, I will definitely be that person. I know that $4.90 probably didn't break the bank for him, but it was touching nonetheless that he'd help out a stranger. it wrong that I glanced down at his wedding band to make sure he had no ulterior motive before letting him pay??? I kinda hate that I did that.

My Life in Weight

This wouldn't be a weight loss blog if it didn't have a post devoted to the history of my battle with the bulge. My laptop hard-drive sucked the kumara a wee while ago and took my pics with it, and I've shied away from cameras for the past five years but I'll do my best!

1987 - I was born, naaaawww wasn't I cute!! 

Ahem... Get to the point Hailey.

Right. Sorry.

Seriously though, I was a chubby baby, a chubby kid and then a puppy fat tween, my only guess as to why this came to be is that growing up I was fed large portion sizes, there was always access to second helpings, my parents were both overweight and I loved food. I always wanted yummy food and I always felt like my parents were enjoying it without me. I wanted to eat yummy food all the time and I wanted to be in control of what I ate. I snuck food from the cupboard all the time, I knew it was wrong but I didn't care, how dare they not share yummy food with me!?

2002 - I was 15 and the realisation one day hit me that if I stopped eating my clothes got too big. I quickly developed an obsession with the scales and my ultimate goal was to get through every day having only eaten as little food as possible. I would get to the third day of practically no food and then crumble and eat everything in sight. I started buying food and eating it in secret. The first time it happened I had bought a block of chocolate for a friend, we laughed about the fact that I ate the whole thing and had to buy him another, but looking back it was the start of something crazy. My weight dropped during this year from around 82kg to 73kg, I felt good, but was desperate to lose more.

2003 - When I was 16 I went to Spain for 10 months. It was difficult to eat very little in a traditional sit-at-the-dinner-table-together family situation. I still binge ate and while in Spain my weight fluctuated wildly between 82 and 76kg I tried to vomit a few times but luckily I was never successful. I had big dreams to starve myself into amazing size 10 dark blue jeans with a bright red tiny jacket to wow my friends and family when I got home. I obsessed about my weight and deprived myself of teenage fun while I was there and came back with holes in my clothes because I was too fat to fit european clothes and a solid 76kg. 
The only photo I have of me in Spain on my lappy, around 78kg. 

2004 - A month after I got home from Spain I met boyfriend. My weight hovered around 76kg and I was pretty happy, he loved me just how I was and I was a comfortable size 12 up top and 14 down bottom. That summer I finished school and my mum near disowned me when I abandoned my plans to become a Geologist at Auckland University to stay in New Plymouth and start a business degree at the local polytech (she thought I was throwing my life away for a boy, a valid concern but I had my head screwed on right). I had an awful summer job in a gift shop and started to slowly put on weight.

2005 - My first year studying business went smoothly. My weight ballooned to 84kg after enjoying far too many lunches with the girls from tech and binge eating out of boredom. I joined weight watchers in August of that year and dropped quickly to 72kg by December. I was the smallest weight of my adult life and I don't even have a photo of me to prove it! None were taken, it was like a blink and you miss it moment of my life. Boyfriend and I had some problems when someone tried to break us up and I stealthily put on5kg. I had a summer job which bored me to tears, then I said goodbye to BF and moved to Palmerston North to finish my business degree.

2006-2008 BF missed me and shifted down to Palmy, we flatted with amazing friends and had a great time, but I always felt like the fat girl who didn't fit in. I ate in secret and joined weight watchers about a million times. Nothing worked. I refused to look at photos of my 21st birthday because I was so fat (78kg) and ashamed of myself. How dare I get drunk and have fun looking like that? I became really fit and dedicated to the gym despite my weight, until a wrist injury in my last month of Uni stopped all exercise for months (even walking jarred it). It turned out exercise was all that was keeping me at 82kg (which I was already unhappy with) and my weight started to creep up.

I was around 81kg here and went to bed early thinking I was hideous.
2009 - 2011 My weight blew out at 96kg and I went back to weight watchers. I got back down to 83kg but didn't stay there for long. My first job out of Uni was not dissimilar to watching paint dry, I was extremely grateful to have it but I was so desperate for something to keep me on my toes. I would buy food on the way home from work and scoff it in the car before I got home. We went to Thailand in 2010 and I didn't go out at night with our tour group at all because I was so socially phobic about my weight and how awful and tragic I looked (BF went without me, I was determined not to ruin his holiday). His birthday was one of those nights and I still think of it as the worst night of my life, realising how much my self loathing affected him. I went on anti-depressants not long after we got back.
I cried when I saw this photo. I was around 90kg in Thailand.

2012 - Landed my dream job, moved to Wellington, suddenly food isn't such a big deal now that everything else in my life is working how I wanted it to? Either that or I'm learning to think positive and it's rubbing off.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Clean Teefs!

I love the feeling after a polish at the dentist, especially when your teeth are given a clean bill of health for another year! Booooom!!!

Oh, and I know I shouldn't weigh daily but I am 90.2 on my home scales which is so tantalisingly close to progress pics. SO CLOSE!!!

PT tomorrow morning, so eaaarrrlllyyyyyy. Shudder. 

Weird problem - work is so busy and kinda cool at the moment that I literally forget to eat. REALLY struggling to get through my propoints? And I've been eating chocolate and taking it out of my daily points and STILL struggling to get through them. I need to plan out my day with a bit more food so that my body is getting the nutrients it needs. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Positive Steps

I broke down last week, after my post about being stuck in a loop forever. I cried and cried about not being good enough for myself to love. Boyfriend said something so profound it just hit me in the face. 

"Just do what makes you happy"

I stopped crying and started laughing. 
BF: Whats so funny?
Me: I don't want to eat fucking eggs for breakfast tomorrow.
BF: ?? So why are you?
Me: Because that's what will make me good enough for me tomorrow, I was going to drop carbs because thats what strong willed people do. Well I'm good enough right now, so I'm going to eat cereal because that's what I damn well like.

And that was that.

The happiest I've ever been while losing weight was Weight Watchers. Their plan allows for dinners out, alcohol and chocolate. It doesn't make you feel guilty for eating carbs and the food is delicious which is great because I love to cook. I joined up the next day, today was my first weigh in and I've dropped 1.8kg. I am SO close to progress pics I swear I'm working on it!!!

So that's me, I'm just doing what makes me happy. It's my new motto and it always puts things in perspective. Whenever I get stressed out I remind myself, just do what makes you happy.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


I love control. I had very little of it growing up, but I love it. A counsellor once suggested overeating when I wasn't allowed to was a way of taking control back, sticking it to my parents. Probably was...

I have control over my actions and my life, so I need to start using it for good. Taking one day, one hour, one decision at a time is the only way forward.

Salad is in the fridge, veggie sticks are chopped, food is logged. Bring it.