Sunday, April 14, 2013

The person I want to be

I want to be that strong, independent businesswoman everyone secretly admires. 
I want to have quiet confidence and grace, to be sharp when I need to, but understanding. 
I want to have a body that says as well as working on my career, I make working on my body a priority.
I want to be that person who always brings a salad, who never gets busy and just grabs lunch from over the road at McDonalds.
I want people to see me in gym gear or at special events and think "Wow".

I may be a complete perfectionist, but I want it all. I don't want to cover up who I am now, that won't work because what you eat in secret you carry in public. I want to CHANGE who I am now.

Just got an email back from a very cool personal trainer who I want to draw me up a programme to get me started on some proper lifting. #Excited!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Some overdue changes

There comes to a point in every weight loss journey where you lose a comfortable amount of weight and then the going gets tough. I have completely come unstuck, I'm back to bad habits and I feel awful. I haven't been for a run since weeks before my wedding and I really feel sluggish and unfit and I hate it! 

I have become really dependent on sugar to make me feel good since I don't have a lot of exercise going on, which worries me. The way I've been eating recently makes me wonder if I have a food addiction.

Anyways. I have decided that for now, I lack the ability to stop at "just one". Be it just one drink, just one lolly or just one sprite zero. My solution to that is to cut it from my life and eat a bit cleaner for the next few weeks. I've also done some thinking about the amount of food I'm using to fuel my body and I think I may need to be a bit more realistic.

Here's some facts:
- I no longer have a wedding deadline looming which means I can take things a bit slower
- I walk to work most days, which burns around 150 calories. I don't count it.
- I aim to eat 1350 calories most days. Sometimes I get quite hungry but fight it.
- Prior to the wedding I was running 20km per week, walking to work, playing netball once a week, playing tennis twice a week and trying to hit the gym a few times as well. All on 1350 calories per day.
- My net calories some days would often be 500. That's 1350 eaten, and 850 burned through exercise alone, without taking into account the calories my body needs just to function!!!

Not eating enough makes your body ask for more. Craving more food can lead to binge eating and making poor choices. 

Eating a more reasonable number of calories = better satisfaction = no cravings and binge eating. Reasonable assumption?

So, as an experiment I have decided to up my calories to 1600 per day. I was initially going to try 1800 but I got a bit scared! The compromise on upping my calories so far is to get a lot more protein into my body and to make sure I am doing some high intensity exercise 6 times per week!

This week's plan:
So, my BMR is: 1572 which I multiply by 1.2 (sedentary) to give my daily calorie needs of 1900cals/day. I subtract 300cals per day to get my my goal of 1,600 calories which gives a weekly deficit of 2,100 calories and I add my weekly burn of 3,000 calories to that which is a total deficit of 5,100 calories which equals a weight loss of 1.4 pounds. 

Whew, got all that???

So, starting point. Will weigh myself tomorrow but here is the lowdown right now:

I'm tired, I have a constant headache, my mouth tastes and feels horrible, I'm dehydrated and my skin feels greasy. My muscles are killing me from netball yesterday and I just feel really out of shape and I'm super irritable.

After 21 days on this plan I hope to:

- Have lost 3kg, feel bright and alert, not be craving unhealthy food, have my skin back to normal and not feel bloated and lethargic. I'd like my fitness levels to be on their way up to a more comfortable level and I'd like not to be so cranky all the time. 

I'm keen to give this a decent shot, so I might post up my daily eats since I have fixed the camera on my phone (yay!). 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Grumps

So I never made it to the weight watchers meeting. It's like when I'm having a binge the thought of joining weight watchers is the solution to all my problems, it is essentially a free pass to continue eating until the meeting. Then on the morning I intend to go reality hits and I remember the reasons I gave it up, the cost, that calculating points is so much harder than calories, and I think about Dumbo the Elephant and his "magic" feather and realise that's what I'm doing, fooling myself.

Over Easter I literally ate myself sick. I woke up yesterday full of self-loathing and misery. Life got so so crazy before the wedding, I'm really having trouble relaxing and settling back into normal life. I haven't been for a run, I haven't been to the gym, I keep putting things off because I'm scared to start again.

Fear holds us back, it's not a constructive emotion whatsoever. 

This morning I weighed in at 78.1kg. Massive gain. I'm upset and angry, but I've been here before and I can do it again.

I was perfect with my eating all day, and I got home from work really hungry and found that a certain husband of mine had gone to the supermarket at lunchtime despite having food in the fridge to eat and had stocked the house with an easter egg, chocolate muffin, filled roll, chocolate bar, pizza bread, savoury scone and lollies and he had eaten none of it. I was so hungry and on the verge of losing control all over again. I got really angry with him and started crying. Not only was the food in the fridge wasted, but I now have to stare at all that food when I'm struggling with food so so much at the moment.

I took 20 mins or so removed from the situation, made a game plan, went downstairs and cooked a stir fry, ignoring all the food on offer. I'm full now, and while that food is there, it's not calling out to me to have a binge. Thank god I regained some control.

I feel pathetic, I feel sometimes that noone understands what it is like for food to control their lives to this extent. I always knew I would never be cured of this, but I ever expected the BED to come back with such fury. One step at a time I will make small decisions to get back to a healthy weight and a healthy mind.