Daylight Savings

Officially my favourite time of the year! When Daylight Savings starts!!

Today after work to celebrate it being so light in the evening I walked home through the Southern walkway (I don't feel comfortable when it's darker...) 

How lucky am I to have views like this on my 45 minute walk home from work?

Tennis was cancelled this evening as our coach is away and Simon is in Palmy for the day so I busted into the garden and got some more veggies in.

This year is probably my best year for gardening, I have become obsessed with germinating seeds in my tiny greenhouse and then making special spots for them in the garden! Here is my main garden, I also have a series of pots and planter boxes but this is my current project obsession.

I know you don't care but bear with me! In there I've got asian stir fry greens, broccoli, 2 varieties of corn, peas, tomatoes, courgette and artichoke. I also have a sprinkling of basil seeds around the tomatoes as tomatoes and basil have a not-so-secret love affair and make each other super happy and tasty when planted close by.
I've got some eggplant, chilli, a million more tomatoes, watermelon, capsicum and squash waiting in the growhouse until the weather heats up a tiny bit more for them to make their garden debut.

So there it is! Not bad for a Monday :)

Sweet little lies

I am an extremely honest person, perhaps to a fault when I end up oversharing when a simple white lie could suffice.

- I don't lie to Boyfriend.
- I never lie to my bosses
- I don't lie to friends
- I don't lie to family

I don't lie to anyone. Except one person. 

I have been lying to myself.

- You'll burn that jaffa off on your run tonight
- You'll still be well under calories even though you eat that
- That piece of cake won't do much damage
- Eating chips is ok on Friday nights
- I've earned this chocolate/treat/jaffa
- 1500 calories a day is a good target to lose weight
- I'm so close to goal, I've got to have a life too!

The above statements are things I have been telling myself recently. I also tell myself I'm sick of losing a meagre amount of weight every week. My average weight loss has gone from 800g per week to 300g per week. I know a loss is a loss but it is sporadic and a few almost-binge situations have started to develop.

I found myself in despair this morning after I ate far too many potato chips and drank too much red wine last night and saw 76.6kg on the scales this morning. A gain of 1.1kg overnight. I know thats mostly bloating but honestly!!!!!!

Time to stop kidding myself. I'm almost at goal, shit's gunna get harder from here on in. I need to start doing the following:
- Aim for 1200 calories a day and allow for 4 squares of chocolate on top of that only if I meet the 1200 target. If I cave and eat junk at work then evening chocolate is sacrificed.
- Start doing resistance training 3 times per week at the gym, in a lunch break is fine (at the moment I only do resistance work if it is raining and I needed to use the gym's treadmill for a run). 
- Keep the protein high
- Keep up with running and tennis.

Brighter news - got my very own tennis racquet today! BF and I spent a few hours practicing at the public courts today, so cool!!!
This photo proves I definitely still have 7-8kg to go.

Fear

Fear.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil,pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feelingor condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding,apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright,panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage,security, calm, intrepidity.

During my journey I have learned a lot about emotions, including fear. 
When I binged, I would be effectively covering up my emotions. But at the time I genuinely believed that wasn't the reason, I thought I was eating because I loved food. It is only now that I have stepped out of the binge cycle and started to experience a full range of emotions to their complete extent again that I see now that I was kidding myself. I ate to calm my emotions, eating made it so the only emotion I felt was discomfort and a bit of shame. I didn't like them, but they were familiar.

Anyways, a long time ago I read a few books about giving up binge eating (not helpful as I was in denial that I had a problem) and they talking about recognising emotions and feelings as they come into your head, but not necessarily acting on them or taking them any further. Not overthinking, just observing your feelings and acknowledging them. I thought it was a total load of malarkey. 

On Saturday I realised that since I've been recovering these past few months I have been learning to deal with emotions without even realising.

It all started on Saturday morning. I was staying with friends and had a long run planned for the morning (25 minute run, my longest one to date). I woke up feeling like garbage. My throat hurt, my eyes were swollen, my nose was running and my appetite was gone. I figured I felt so average a run might make me feel better so I went ahead as planned, drove to the river and began my run.

Within 5 minutes I was ready to give up. As soon as my brain started to think about giving up my breathing got quicker and a bit panicky and running got harder. I started to analyse what on earth was going on.

- Is my body too sore to run? No. Muscles are all ok, I've trained well for this.
- Am I too sick to run? No. A bit of a head cold but not much in my chest.
- Am I too unfit to run? No. I've done 20mins before!

- So why do I think I can't do this? I'm scared.
- Scared of what? Failing, having to stop, my body hurting too much, feeling like I will spew by the end.

So let's get this straight. Physically, my body was geared for the run. Mentally, I was letting fear stop me.

In that moment I decided that from now on, fear is no longer the strongest emotion in my body. I have plenty of other emotions which are stronger such as determination, pride, tenacity, ferocity. It was incredible, as I came to that realisation in my mind I swear I felt my feet pick up the pace a little and my breathing evened out.

And so I ran. I ran even though it hurt my throat to breathe, even when my stomach cramped up in the last 10 minutes I forced through the pain, I just told myself over and over that the strongest emotion in my body at this point in time is pride and I have far too much of it to let this run beat me.

At the end of the run I had to stop and gather myself as I was close to puking from the stomach cramp and a bit faint, but within a minute I was walking normally and feeling fine. 

It was amazing, I have learned to recognise emotions and then make a rational decision as to whether I will act on them or not. Fear is an extremely strong emotion which I used at the start of my journey to motivate me. I was scared of being an obese wife and mother, scared of not enjoying my wedding day, scared of crying when I see my wedding photos. I think we can use fear to our advantage, but it's also important not to let fear hold us back. To do that we need to recognise it as fear, rather than the excuses or labels we sometimes give it, and then decide how to act on it.

- What would the worst thing about failing this run today be? I'd feel let down and unfit.
- Why is that so scary, surely you can chalk it up to experience? Um... true. Not scary at all.

Today I attempted another 25min run uphill with a backpack on and I totally nailed it, didn't even think about the time or pain, I just got on and got it done.

So, what emotion do you let control you? 

NSV and a Recipe

Heya!

I quickly wanted to get a post in before I head off to Palmy tomorrow to see friends who I love and miss and get some much needed wedding planning done.

First of all - major non scale victory today people! I went to the gym (day two of week six of the c25k in case you were wondering how that's going - great!) and then did a punishing weights work out. While on my last set of press ups I decided to have a crack at full press-ups, like on my toes. Much to my surprise despite my muscles already being massively fatigued I managed to do three full press-ups. Wow. 

I've NEVER done that in my life!!!

Also, this should be NSV number 2 - I managed three sets of 12 tricep dips without giving up. Another awesome thing is while I was doing said tricep dips I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and honestly did not recognise myself. My arms looked muscular, my posture was perfect and my stomach was flat. There was a fit, slim girl in the mirror smashing out some tricep dips with perfect form (brag brag) and it took a few seconds to register that girl was me.

Anyways, enough going on about me, let's hear some more about me. This is my breakfast, I have it every single day and love it soooo much I had to share. I also spammed peeps on my instagram with it (peanutbuttagal).

First off, grab half a cup of frozen blueberries and nuke them in the microwave for 40 seconds so they are 80% thawed.

Next stick 45g of quick oats in a bowl, add warm water until they are just covered. Nuke it for 1 minute with the microwave on 80% power.

Once that's done it should have expanded a little. Add a splash of trim milk (seriously not much if you like porridge gluggy like I do) and give it a good stir. There should be a bit of milk sitting on top but not much. Back in the microwave for a minute but watch it closely because depending on your microwave power or the amount of milk you use it runs the risk of overflowing (mine generally doesn't but I still watch it as I've been caught out once or twice!).

 When it's done, add half a serve of vanilla or banana protein powder (I use sculpt vanilla because it's delicious but I'm aware others are probably a bit lower carb) and another splash of milk. Stir it in, the powder will thicken the porridge, if you like it more runny just add more milk! Add your blueberries and viola! Delicious breakfast for 302 calories.

New teeshirt

Meet the "Don't care bears" my latest work tee-shirt (yes, the company I work for thinks it's totally cool for their accountant to wear this to work).

(got it from threadless.com)

P.S 75.8kg this morning. Woot! Total loss = 20.5kg

Finding Balance

Something I have thought about a lot recently is finding balance.

Is it possible to lose weight while having a social life?
Is it possible to have the body of your dreams without constantly feeling deprived?
Is it possible to keep the weight off?

Someone said something to me the other day that kind of made it all click. She is struggling with her weight and is going to use HCG to get the weight off. She told me: "When I go back to eating normally I should be able to keep it off". I think I offended her when I bluntly replied "The reason most people can't lose weight is because they refuse to accept that their normal needs to change".

It's like the age old saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always got"

Want to lose weight? CHANGE YOUR NORMAL.

It's not easy! That's why most people can't do it. 

But... at the same time... Want to keep it off? FIND BALANCE.

I would love to eat 100% clean, high protein, low carbs and lift heavy things until I have a bikini model's body but I know it's not what I personally want to live like. I want to enjoy Friday night drinks with friends, enjoy soft serve Tuesday at work and continue learning to cook amazing food. So far I have not given up any of those things. I have cut down to help shift the weight, but I have not given them up. And I never will.

I eat 1,500 calories per day, and I go over that at least one day a week. I eat chocolate every day. When jet plane lollies are going around at work I take two without tracking it. I don't eat my calories earned by exercise, and I exercise once or twice a day by running, hitting the gym, tennis lessons and also simple things like walking to work which gets in a lot of exercise as well as saving me money and the helping the environment.

The trick with weight loss is so simple it would have blown my mind if I had known it in January:
Find something you can do forever and just stick with it. Don't do it all at once, change one thing at a time until you are there.

Don't want to eat fish and steamed veggies forever? Then don't. But at the same time, don't expect the body that goes with it. Don't want to give up a daily muffin and mocha? Then don't, but also don't complain if you are overweight. I will be happy to be a stocky size 10/12 when I hit goal... Because it means I don't have to give up things that are more important to me than a clothing size.

Fun facts

Because I love talking about myself and all, here are some fun facts:

1. In case you haven't guessed, I live in Wellington and love it to pieces. But boyfriend and I both grew up in New Plymouth, where we would like our children to grow up as well.

2. I am a Chartered Accountant, I work for a publicly listed company doing mostly technical work and absolutely love it. It takes seven years to become a CA and it is my proudest achievement to date.

3. The above point does not make me good with my money (although I wish it did).

4. I love Pink Floyd and I also have a bit of a thing for 90s soft rock such as Counting Crows, Wallflowers etc.

5. We have two cats (or maybe they have two pet humans?) who we dote on. We have a little moggy and a Bengal, the Bengal plays fetch and destroys the house.

6. Boyfriend proposed to me after a surprise helicopter ride around the Wellington area, it was the most special moment and it still gives me butterflies when I think about it. My engagement ring stone is an apricot/pink tourmaline. I wanted something a bit different.

7. I love giant jaffas and peanut butter. Not together though. I love coffee but only good quality espresso. 

8. I enjoy doing leg work at the gym, like squats and lunges, but hate doing arm work. My legs are real power houses and I love feeling strong.

9. If I won lotto I would buy a small cottage in the Mediterranean and spend half the year there, thus never living through a winter again.

10. Vegetable gardening gives me a huge amount of satisfaction, it is one of the most relaxing activities I have found, which is great for someone who is normally tense like me. At the moment I am growing herbs, garlic, lettuce  spinach, bok choy, asian greens, artichoke, tomato, courgette and a few others. Summer is when the fun starts!

 11. I love to cook. One of my goals post-wedding is to incorporate more gourmet cooking into my new lifestyle without the gourmet weight-gain. I think I might have to start running a lot more!

Dress pictures

Let's get the boring stuff out of the way... It's weigh-in day...

SW: 96.3kg
CW: 76.5kg
That's down 200g since last week. I was sitting on 76.2 on Saturday morning but I decided to enjoy my time with my mum and bridesmaids on Saturday night and we went out to Planet Spice for an amazing Indian curry and I had a few cheeky glasses of red wine. No big deal.

Here are some photos of two dresses that I have definitely decided against, I can't post the one I'm thinking of just in case Boyfriend happens upon it. I should note that I'm a little worse for wear in the photo as we had to run six blocks in torrential rain to get to the store. It was not fun!

Vanity check: doesn't my waist look TINY!????

So um yup that is all I have for today, I've got thoughts in my head that I need to get down, maybe tomorrow.

Dress Shopping - Quick recap

Caution: Boring wedding talk!!!

First off, I'd just like to say that my concerns were totally invalid. I can't help but admit that I LOVED the way I looked in the dresses, my belly is flat and my waist is small. I comfortably fit all size 12 dresses in the shops and was even in a size 10 at one point.

Ok here's a quick recap:

We started at Brides on Thorndon, where I did not fit any of the dresses, they were all in size 14 and the lady had to grab the back of the dress and pull hard for us to see what it looked like. I fell in love with a traditional lace gown with an amazing low back on it as well as a gown with a little less lace and a bit of beading on it, with shoulder straps which I really love. I would love to have either of those dresses, the only thing that turns me off is they don't fit so I can't visualise what it would be like, and the service at the store wasn't amazing. The lady was great, but no photos were allowed and life was just a bit easier at the second store.

We grabbed a quick coffee before heading over to Astra Bridal. I tried on the usual variety of dresses (which started to all look the same) and fell in love with a traditional lace dress with crystals, I'm not a huge fan of beading but this dress made it work and I could imagine peeling the lace off if I have a daughter for her to incorporate into her gown (a dream every mother has but I'm sure by then it will be so unfashionable). I also fell in love with a frou-frou  dress that we nicknamed the "swan" gown. I can't even describe why I love it so much and I know it is very much an "in-fashion" dress and the only reason I don't buy that one is that I wonder if I will still love it as much in a few years time once fashions have changed?

Now to decide! This decision is killing me. My plan is to revisit the stores next weekend, in the reverse order so I can try them all on again and make my final decision. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to do it, and it might end up coming down to liking the service at Astra Bridal better.

Oh! And yesterday morning I weighed in at 76.2kg which means I broke through the 20kg lost mark! Fantastic!!!

Freaking out

In January I set the goal that before I even set foot in the door of a wedding dress shop I would weigh less than 78kg.

In June I set a date with my bridesmaids to go on the wedding dress hunt. I calculated in excel how much weight I would need to lose per week to get to 78kg (600g by the way) and decided I could do it.

My weight this morning was 76.4kg and on Saturday I am going wedding dress shopping.

I should be stoked, I smashed my goal out of the park. But I'm not. I'm totally freaking out. 
I still see myself as huge, I don't know if anything will fit me or look good and I hate my arms. I also don't know what size to order the dress in as I still have around 8kg to go before I reach goal. I am literally dreading the weekend and wish this week would go slower.

This should be exciting!!!

At the moment I have been having loads of fat days. I think I always imagined that when I got to this weight I would be looking fantastic. I'm pleased with how I look but I still hate my arms and legs. I'm worried that when I get to the magic 68kg I'll still feel like this. When is enough going to be enough? I don't want to go overboard, I want to live a balanced life. I think part of that is going to involve learning to accept a result that is less than perfect.

I will always have chunky thighs, but I also think that makes me good at running and cycling. 
I have a little loose skin on the tops of my arms, but this will improve over the next year or two and it's a constant reminder of my hard work and discipline.

I just feel a bit lost at the moment.

On a brighter note, I went shopping last weekend and bought myself a pair of size 12 jeans and a new jersey, check out the new threads:

A big cow

Once upon a time there was a chubby yet happy Hailey who loved to ride her cruiser around Palmy North. One sunny Friday afternoon in 2011 she set off from work on her cruiser, feeling good about the spring day and excited to meet up with some friends for a beer in the sun.

As she left work, stopping to get onto the road with her bike a car full of young men stopped at the intersection. 

"Look! There's a big cow!!!" exclaimed one. The others laughed at this giant cow on her bike, how dare she be out enjoying the nice weather. On her bike Getting some exercise.

I died a little bit inside that day. It wasn't since I was at intermediate school that someone had made fun of me because of my weight. 

I was around 90kg, big yes, obese yes, but I wasn't HUGE. 

So many beautiful, intelligent women in this world are ridiculed or judged by small minded pigs because of their size, or their looks, or because they have intelligence and aren't afraid to show it. I didn't lose weight for those losers in the car that day, I lost weight for me and my health. 

That experience has taught me to not judge people until I know them, and to give everyone the respect that they deserve. 

They may have won that battle by reducing me to tears and ruining my night, but I've won the war. They can get fucked.