So I never made it to the weight watchers meeting. It's like when I'm having a binge the thought of joining weight watchers is the solution to all my problems, it is essentially a free pass to continue eating until the meeting. Then on the morning I intend to go reality hits and I remember the reasons I gave it up, the cost, that calculating points is so much harder than calories, and I think about Dumbo the Elephant and his "magic" feather and realise that's what I'm doing, fooling myself.
Over Easter I literally ate myself sick. I woke up yesterday full of self-loathing and misery. Life got so so crazy before the wedding, I'm really having trouble relaxing and settling back into normal life. I haven't been for a run, I haven't been to the gym, I keep putting things off because I'm scared to start again.
Fear holds us back, it's not a constructive emotion whatsoever.
This morning I weighed in at 78.1kg. Massive gain. I'm upset and angry, but I've been here before and I can do it again.
I was perfect with my eating all day, and I got home from work really hungry and found that a certain husband of mine had gone to the supermarket at lunchtime despite having food in the fridge to eat and had stocked the house with an easter egg, chocolate muffin, filled roll, chocolate bar, pizza bread, savoury scone and lollies and he had eaten none of it. I was so hungry and on the verge of losing control all over again. I got really angry with him and started crying. Not only was the food in the fridge wasted, but I now have to stare at all that food when I'm struggling with food so so much at the moment.
I took 20 mins or so removed from the situation, made a game plan, went downstairs and cooked a stir fry, ignoring all the food on offer. I'm full now, and while that food is there, it's not calling out to me to have a binge. Thank god I regained some control.
I feel pathetic, I feel sometimes that noone understands what it is like for food to control their lives to this extent. I always knew I would never be cured of this, but I ever expected the BED to come back with such fury. One step at a time I will make small decisions to get back to a healthy weight and a healthy mind.