Rather than dusting myself off and getting stuck back into my healthy routine which would have put me back on track I panicked.
I panicked, freaked out, and then tried to change a million things in my life because I had lost faith in my ability to take care of myself. The further I slipped back into bad habits the more I despaired and the more I despaired the more I binged to cover up the stress. A very nasty cycle!!
Basically my head went a bit like this:
- Omg another kilo on!
- Omg, nothing I do will work, I can't stop eating!
- There's something really wrong with me, I'm going to be back to my starting weight within months!
- I'm so stressed, I need to eat!
- Ugh, I feel so disgusting, I need to make a plan. I know, I'll exercise 3 times a day, eat 1400 cals a day and be hard on myself, I'll start tommorrow.
- I've been eating healthy for two days and I still weigh 5kg more than before my 2 months of binge eating, wtf!?
- This isn't working, omg, so fat, must comfort eat.
- I'll hire a personal trainer.
- She says to eat 1900cals per day. Can't do that.
- If I'm going to eat more I'll make it all protein, that's what weight training is about, right?
- Her workouts are too easy, I don't feel like I'm working off these calories, I feel a bit abandoned by her.
- This high protein diet is boring, don't want the food I packed for lunch, so I'll go buy something.
- Didn't lose a kilo this week, must comfot eat.
- Carb binge ensues...
And so it has gone on and on. I sit down, make a plan, expect to be skinny within days, get disappointed and then have a binge.
This isn't me, I'm not thinking rationally, I'm just in a huge panic. It really does need to stop. I'm playing games with the scales, I won't weigh myself for weeks then I'll weigh daily and get mad if I'm still over 78kg.
So, two problems I can fix right this minute:
- Set my daily calories to 1600 in myfitnesspal and not get anxious about this, I exercise daily so this is reasonable.
- Email my personal trainer and outline how I feel. I was so excited to start working with her, but so far things aren't working out as I'd hoped.
That last one is a tricky one, but it's my money and I don't feel I'm getting value, even though I think she's fantastic as a person and an athlete.
Three goals I will work on this week:
- Getting back into walking to work and try out doing weights in a lunch break.
- Finding time to fit in at least two runs, even if they are just 20-25 minutes.
- Eating within my calorie goal each day, taking one day at a time and bearing in mind that one meal in a restaurant that may push me over my calorie limit is not going to make me gain weight.
I really want to get back on track, my goal is still 68kg and I want to get there! My work midwinter party is in 5 weeks, and I think in that time I can get back under 75kg.