Today I shopped

And I was so happy I almost cried.


I fit everything. There was no doubt that I would fit everything. I wasn't scared of that awful feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realise you are too big for the shop.


Days like today make every day of hard work SO WORTH IT. 


Here are my new size 13 jeans (ok, so they are a very big size 13 but I'm taking it ok???) and new top, excuse the poor photo quality and extreme narcissism of this post.

Clean all the things!

(love the blog this pic is from)


Phew!


Furniture is in the new house thanks to many car trips and three very cool moving guys with a giant truck yesterday. Today we spent a solid 5 hours cleaning the old house from top to bottom. It was so nice not having time pressure so we didn't argue or get stressed.


To reward ourselves we went and bought each other new flannel pyjamas. They are in the washing machine right now ready to hit the dryer then hit our bodies and get us toasty and warm in front of the fire (love the new house and its fire!). Notice how our reward is not food? The old Hailey and Boyfriend would have bought an expensive bottle of red wine and creamy pasta ingredients and had a carb laden feast. We did have pasta for dinner, but it was tomato based with no bread on the side for me thank you.


That is called winning at life.


Tomorrow we will finish off the cleaning at the old house (should only take around 30mins just re-hanging curtains I washed and taking down paintings) and then we can finally start unpacking at the new house and getting it how we want it. Bliss!


P.S I saw a solid 85.0kg on the scales this morning, probably due to crazy dehydration from being so mentally busy yesterday but if I can hold it down there it means only one thing.... Progress pics!!!


Watch this space..... ... ...

I'm still alive!

I'm alive, on track and getting smaller.


Things are going really well and I guess I just don't know what to post about.


I've considered posting my daily eats, but to be honest I'm a total creature of habit and I eat basically the same thing each day with the exception of Dinner. 


I'm attempting to do a bit more exercise, mostly playing a lot of netball, making up for lost time while my ankle was sore. Today I had my weigh in and lost another 800g. I am very close to another set of progress pictures so please watch this space! 


This weekend we are moving house so my main challenge this week is not to get stressed out and not to get so tired that I turn to unhealthy food to get us through. We have allowed lots of time and hired some moving people to help us out, so fingers crossed the weekend will be stress free (relatively!). 


Off to cook dinner before netball. Ham, pumpkin and pea risotto from the Healthy Food Guide. NOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

What changed?

I can't put my finger on what changed in my brain and made me start losing some serious weight. All I know is that before Easter i was a binge eating serial dieter and after easter I became a dedicated, motivated and patient loser. It might have been seeing my Brother so sick over Easter and feeling so completely helpless taught me that my problems are not like his, I hold the cure to my problems while he might struggle forever. Caring for him also showed me that I'm not a mean, impatient and selfish person, I'm a caring big sister and I truly wanted to swap places with him. It also showed me that noone actually gives a shit what I look like and that I've got good health and I'm young and I'm standing on the sidelines of like wonering what to eat next. Maybe I realised I was trapped in a cycle of self destruction and self pity and it was time to get a fucking grip. Whatever happened, I'm glad. And I live in fear that my brain will one day change back to the old me. Funny thing is though, the longer I go on as the new me the less I want to revert to old habits. It gets easier as time goes on, I gave up so many times thinking it would be hard forever. Silly me.


I guess the moral of the story is, get real. If you want to make a change, don't sit around waiting for it to come to you. If you want to be healthy, accept that you need to change your attitudes towards how you treat food. If you don't want to give up eating your favourite foods whenever you want and you don't want to make sacrifices or plan ahead or be hungry at times, then you aren't ready to lose weight. It's simple. I don't know why I always thought it was so hard.


My brothers both were dealt an unfair hand by genetics, and I've always carried a lot of guilt that I have always been 100% healthy. I feel as though I was born first and took all the healthy genes with me. It might seem like strange logic, but I feel guilty all the time that my life will always be somewhat easier. I owe it to both of them not to waste it. I can't believe the time I have spent over the last three or four years literally hating my life. I am going to keep losing weight, keep establishing healthy habits and start participating in life with all my energy like I used to. Whenever I feel like I've had a shit day, I put it ito perspective and perhaps it's not actually so bad at all.


Weird rant ends.

I'd just like to announce...

As of today I have officially lost 10.2kg since January 2nd. SO SO HAPPY!!!

Fighting with yourself

Yesterday was the first time in well over a month that I just didn't want to lose weight. It was all hard and stressful and I was hungry and had already made poor choices and I was feeling on the verge of getting the flu and I began to wonder - 


Is this it? Is my winning streak over? Will it all pile up on top of me now and I'll go back to my old ways.


That thought was terrifying, yet at the same time my old comforts were calling me. The food, the laziness, the easy option to cope with life.


On the bus home I considered my options and thought about what my old life REALLY offers me:


1. Feeling sick from what I ate the night before when I wake up EVERY morning
2. That "I want to cry" feeling when I walk into the bathroom and see the scales looking at me
3. The very real fear of having my photo taken or seeing myself in a mirror/window
4. Not being able to go clothes shopping
5. Constantly searching the internet for a cure for "whatever is wrong with me"
6. Not being interested in anything that doesn't involve food
7. Hiding my body from BF
8. Being ashamed and thinking I'm not good enough all the time
9. People hitting me as they walk past me on the bus because I hang over the edge of the seat a bit
10. The constant unspoken question lingering in the air whenever I hang out with a certain friend (worth her own blog post really) - "So, why are you still fat?"


So yeah, eating all the chocolate humanly possible might sound like a nice idea in theory, but in practice it is truly just building yourself a little jailcell to watch life go on without you. I'm not saying being overweight makes you not participate in life, I'm saying being overweight made ME not participate in life.


Oh - and by the way I made a healthy choice for tea, got plenty of bedrest and woke up this morning for my PT session feeling 100% healthy and 100% motivated. So no, the feeling doesn't last forever and this is not the end of my winning streak :)


Lesson of yesterday: Difficult days happen and they pass. Don't do anything hasty (or tasty).


P.S I had a mean outfit today, might try to get a pic of it later
P.P.S I love lingere. More importantly, love my body enough now to feel sexy (!) wearing it. I'm addicted, I dig out all the stuff that fits once again and wear it with pride!

Week in review

Today I weighed in, I love weigh in days as it's like a fresh start, my weekly propoints reset and I get to set new goals and challenges for the coming week.


I lost 900g today which I was really proud of. I also hit my 5% weight loss since starting weight watchers, and I am oficially at 9.2kg down since January 2nd which is awesome. Another 9.1kg will put me at my September wedding dress fitting goal weight.


Last week my main challenges were:
- Curry club with the boys last Friday lunchtimes
- Friday night drinks
- Out for dinner on Friday


So really last Friday was a biggie! But it was no biggie (teehee). 


Curry club:
I had a vegetarian curry and asked the waiter if he could swap my naan bread for 2 papadoms, they were really accommodating which was great. I had my curry with just a few tablespoons of rice so I had something there to absorb it but not a whole bucketload.


Friday night drinks:
I wasn't feeling so great after the rich curry so I had a small glass of bubbles to celebrate a friend being with our company for one year then I switched to diet coke until Boyfriend was back from Palmy to pick me up.


Friday night dinner:
The initial plan was to go home for a stir fry before going to Rhys Darby (!) but Boyfriend was held up on the way home so we had to grab dinner in town. We went to a malaysian restaurant and I opted for stir fried vegetables and had very little rice. It was light but tasted ghastly.


After the show on Friday I experienced some guilt about eating out twice in one day and started to get anxious about the scales. The uncertainty of it all and not being in total control made me want to binge eat but I reminded myself of how far I've come and I don't want to reinforce that behaviour anymore.


The next morning I clocked up a nice loss on the scales... just by the way...


This weeks challenges:


This weekend boyfriend's parents are coming down on Saturday which will no doubt involve a meal out and on Sunday we are heading to a wedding expo in Palmy and I have my heart set on going to my favourite cafe and having a lemon meringue slice for lunch. That will take up most of my weeklies so I need to be very careful about eating out on Saturday. I will try to suggest healthy restaurants and even offer to book one in advance since it's Mothers day weekend and all.


The other challenge this week is coping with stress. It is confirmed, we are moving house to somewhere bigger and warmer with (hopefully) no slugs or mice but we are moving in just three weeks! Yikes! So far I am organising as much as possible in advance so it's not a mad panic to move. The three days Boyfriend and I moved from Palmy to Wellington are in our memories as the most exhausting, stressful and horrible days we have ever spent together, and while this time won't involve a four hour round trip for each load of furniture or cleaning a four bedroom house inside and out it will still present its challenges I'm sure!


So this morning's weight was 87.1kg and after two weeks of big losses I'm expecting my body to hold back a bit this week. I am aiming to see 86.7kg on the scales next Tuesday. Wish me luck!

Afraid...

I was overjoyed when I saw 87.1kg on the scales this morning, 9.2kg gone woot woot! But my happiness didn't last for long. 


Something isn't right. I'm not meant to succeed. I've never succeeded at weight loss before. I'm meant to be the chubby one, the non-threatening one. 


It's kinda... well... scary.


I'm scared of being hit on by guys
I'm scared of blowing my money on designer clothes when they finally fit
I'm scared of becoming someone who judges overweight people
I'm scared of people looking to me for inspiration
I'm scared of being vain
I'm scared of people being jealous of my perfect life
I'm scared I don't deserve what I've worked so hard for
I'm scared I didn't really earn this because I eat less on Saturdays
I'm scared of the confidence that bubbles out of my mouth nowadays
I'm scared people will think I'm stupid
I'm scared people will think I'm smart


I'm scared of not being able to blame life's problems on my weight.


I had a strong urge to binge this morning, purely because everything was going too well. I have tried for so long to put the person I was behind me, and I'm finally succeeding. I'm scared I'll forget who I was, forget where I came from and forget how hard it was. 


I catch myself wishing overweight people would just stop complaining and get on with it. Um. Yeah. Judgemental much? Pot and kettle perhaps?


That's scary.


It's all scary. I feel like my body is changing too fast for my mind to keep up. I'm scared I'm going to let this fear take over and I'll blow it all again. Just to prove myself right, that I can't do it and I should never have tried.


Well I don't care. I'm going to keep going because it might be scary but that kind of scary is nothing compared to the nightmare I used to have in my own head every day.


I deserve this. I will tell myself that until I believe it.

I know it's wrong but...

Today, like many Saturdays recently, I've gone through the day on a bowl of cereal so I can enjoy a nice dinner and two glasses of wine with Boyfriend.


I had a big eating day yesterday where I had curry with the boys from work (using most of my weeklies), so wasn't really feeling so great this morning. That helps justify my actions, but I'm still judging me a little.


Meh. 


I also hit the gym today and did a one hour belly dancing class, go me!

Hello

Hello,


Just me, checking in. Still here, still tracking, still losing (87.8kg on the scales this morning ... Boom).


Not a very good blogger of late but work is beginning to cool off a bit so I might get some time to get some thoughts out and I dunno, for the first time in a long time I feel like my life is ... good enough? I'm happy doing what I'm doing. I'm not creeping on FB wishing I had other people's lives/bodies/personalities. I'm just taking time to get to know myself a bit better perhaps.


Exercise is still an area of my life which I am not devoting enough time and energy to... And tomorrow is the dreaded Thursday. When I have to wake at 5.30am to see my PT.


I absolutely love my PT, she is adorable and SO excited about my progress. But the 5.30am starts kill me and by 3pm I'm a vegetable at work so sadly once these last four weeks are done I shall bid her farewell and spend my money elsewhere.


Saddest part of my day today? My wedding ring is currently being made so I had to give up my engagement ring for the rest of the week so they can make my wedding ring match perfectly. I feel so naked. 
On that note, through a combination of weight loss and colder weather my engagement ring has become very loose and I am worried if I don't get it resized I am going to lose it or damage it. Eeeek.


Winter has set in and we have discovered not only is our house infested with slugs and mice, it is also really cold. I am beginning the house hunt... But I hate moving. I miss living in my own home. At least I can be grateful that our tenants are treating our home like it is their own and looking after it. I think we hit the tenant jackpot.