Will I think about food and my weight obsessively forever? Lose weight and then gain it again? Start a new diet and blow it? Get my hopes up and crush them? Lie awake at night hating myself and my body? Avoiding social situations? Living a life of regret? Searching in desperation for a cure?
I feel like my life is on repeat. I have this disease that can't be cured, why can't I do this?
A skinny person would say losing weight is easy. Just stop eating. But it's not like that. I'm different. I'm perpetually hungry, it just never stops. Please make it stop. Please.
The pressure I'm putting on myself for the wedding is compounding these feelings. But I don't see a way out. I can't get married like this. I see girls bigger than me, and I think "they could get married like that". But not me, I'm different. If I'm not skinny and pretty what am I? I'm neither of those things so really what am I? I don't know. I just don't know.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Timeline of my Day
Wake at ungodly hour, push snooze button, get up ten mins late, miss the bus, get to the gym late, weigh-in (YEEHAA), work out, walk to work, amazing waterfront view, early to work, so sleepy, breakfast, sleepy, technical tasks ugh gross, coffee and carrot sticks, crunch all numbers, starving, eat salad for lunch, hungry, more spreadsheet ninja-ing, sleepy, sleepy, starving, carrot sticks and sprite zero, clock watching, sleepy, leave work early, mad traffic, sleepy, search for cat, supermarket, search for cat, grapes, lamb and mashed pumpkin, blog, find cat!, blog, TV, sleepy, internet, chocolate, sleep.
Phew.
My view on the way to work this morning (it looks dark but it actually wasn't?)
I've lost 1.5kg since I last weighed in with my PT 3 weeks ago. Considering for 10 days of that I was on a total bender eating everything I could get my hands on and I haven't been able to exercise in two weeks I'm pretty happy with that. I'm really trying to keep my calories at the 1200 mark because I still can't do intense exercise with my ankle so I am hungry a lot. Hungry and grumpy. But it's not forever, so I'll be ok. And I still have a few squares of chocolate each day.
Oh, and the dumbest thing that makes me want to eat a lot, one of my kitties has gone missing :( it's been 5 days now and I'm so worried ------- OMG! Literally just as I was typing that he walked in the door! Looks like he's been in a fight so might be a vet trip tomorrow but YAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! (Amended my timeline above haha)
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Almost Fridaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
It's almost the freaking weekend and despite my injury I'm determined to enjoy it!
Girls weekend! Been looking forward to this for so long!
Girls weekend! Been looking forward to this for so long!
- Roadie tomorrow, 2 hours with Boyfriend after work then 2 hours with the girls to our sunny, vineyard filled destination!
- Manicure date on Saturday morning
- Wineries!
- Hot pools (unfortunately I have to sit this one out due to hot water plus swelling = evil)
- General Saturday night tomfoolery (again, not sure how much of this I can partake in, especially as the physio has banned me from alcohol but we're thinking positive here mmmkay!)
Today I had my first session with the physio (take that ACC) where she gave me a compression bandage to help with the disgusting swelling and gave me a reasonably painful massage. Once the swelling goes down we will start doing exercises in my two sessions next week. She thinks maybe another four weeks and I'll be on the move, but she agrees that I could venture to the gym on Monday for an exercycle and upper body weights. No squats, lunges or calf raises. Boo.
Oh! Also, I'm not the smelly new kid at work anymore! I have finally been there long enough to know what is going on and how I fit into the picture. And, to be honest and not sound totally full of myself I think I'm doing pretty well. I was scared that this would be a big step up in my career and I might not do so well, but that's just silly self-doubt. I've always been hard working and diligent, why would that be any different now? I think the company I work for is pretty fantastic as well (not something that's easy to find) so I feel all-around pretty lucky. I'm smiling as I write this so maybe I need to take time out to count my blessings a bit more often?
I have sent out my will you be my bridesmaid cards, I got them custom made and sent them out with flowers to my bridesmaids. I got so nervous and shy! One has received hers and I can't wait to celebrate in person this weekend. I'm crossing my fingers that the florist gets the other card on its way tomorrow. Ahhh! I can't help but be scared of rejection, stupid I know but that's the way I am.
I am procrastinating from all the weekend packing I need to do. BUT I HATE PACKING MORE THAN I HATE WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Gah.
When I get back you and I need to have a big old chat about two things, money and weight loss. Booooooo boringgggg.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Inside my head
There are two people inside my head.
I know this, because they tell me different things, and argue about what's best for "me" (does this mean there are three people????)
Here they are:
1. The person I want to be (shoulder-angel)
This is the person in my head who loves to work out, loves healthy food, shuns alcohol, smugly reads every article on healthy eating and can tick all the boxes saying "I already knew that". She can list the calories in each food item, put together a balanced and tasty meal and loves the feeling of sticking to a diet and getting down to her healthy weight. She's disgusted by my current weight, but knows that all it will take is a bit of hard work to fix it.
2. The person I revert to (shoulder-devil)
This is the sloth, shunning exercise and embracing all things chocolate. This person has no problem wandering into a dairy and buying a king size block of chocolate to consume alone, in fact, she plots about it all day. She anticipates every opportunity to eat unhealthy food and drink her body weight in alcohol. She avoids healthy eating articles and websites and hates skinny girls who are just trying to make her feel bad. She even shoved a skinny girl recently (true story) for "getting in her way". Her bitterness and sadness about her body consumes.
For the most part this year I have been the shoulder-angel. Unfortunately, my sprained injury and upcoming weekend away has tipped a few things into the shoulder-devil's favour and she is taking advantage of all these weaknesses to lure me into her warped ways of thinking.
I'm bloated, tired and miserable. On top of that my ankle is disgusting. I'm not really sure why I decided to compound my misery over not being able to exercise or have fun by adding in weight gain? The mind boggles.
Tomorrow shoulder angel needs to be in charge again.
I know this, because they tell me different things, and argue about what's best for "me" (does this mean there are three people????)
Here they are:
1. The person I want to be (shoulder-angel)
This is the person in my head who loves to work out, loves healthy food, shuns alcohol, smugly reads every article on healthy eating and can tick all the boxes saying "I already knew that". She can list the calories in each food item, put together a balanced and tasty meal and loves the feeling of sticking to a diet and getting down to her healthy weight. She's disgusted by my current weight, but knows that all it will take is a bit of hard work to fix it.
2. The person I revert to (shoulder-devil)
This is the sloth, shunning exercise and embracing all things chocolate. This person has no problem wandering into a dairy and buying a king size block of chocolate to consume alone, in fact, she plots about it all day. She anticipates every opportunity to eat unhealthy food and drink her body weight in alcohol. She avoids healthy eating articles and websites and hates skinny girls who are just trying to make her feel bad. She even shoved a skinny girl recently (true story) for "getting in her way". Her bitterness and sadness about her body consumes.
For the most part this year I have been the shoulder-angel. Unfortunately, my sprained injury and upcoming weekend away has tipped a few things into the shoulder-devil's favour and she is taking advantage of all these weaknesses to lure me into her warped ways of thinking.
I'm bloated, tired and miserable. On top of that my ankle is disgusting. I'm not really sure why I decided to compound my misery over not being able to exercise or have fun by adding in weight gain? The mind boggles.
Tomorrow shoulder angel needs to be in charge again.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Dear Wellington
Your weather is nasty, I'm flipping you the bird.
In somewhat related news I tried my darndest to hit the refresh button on the ticketek site to get Flight of the Concords tickets today but was unsuccessful. Heartbreak. Woe is me.
This one time I fell off the train
Like, not joking. As in, I actually did fall off the train.
So embarrassing I just wanted to die. Then the ambulance came and further mortification ensued.
Picture it, I was on the train to Palmy, all ready for drinks with my old workmates who I miss like crazy, branded up in my new work teeshirt (because let's be honest, I don't miss my old work that much). I didn't want anyone to steal the taxi I had called so I was hurrying, but I still found time to swap my flat shoes for heels (big mistake) before stepping off--------
And suddenly I'm in a collapsed heap on the ground, writhing in pain while people huddle around staring in horror at my right ankle which is suddenly triple the size it was when I started my descent, daintily clad in 4 inch black gold studded heels.
I lost my balance, my right ankle twisted, I fell, somehow there is a graze on the top of my foot (?) from how I landed and I spent Friday night in hospital bawling my eyes out and blubbering about the Waitarere Forest Run. Like a baby I was, like a baby.
So it's really badly sprained. Super bad, the doc was impressed. I'm not.
After 8 hours sitting at work today my foot was like a balloon, I kid you not as soon as my toes stop the inflation starts. Totes foul to look at, unless you are my boy-workmate-#-1 in which case it is an excellent source of entertainment throughout the day.
Poor boy-workmate-#-2 has to put up with me elevating my foot right next to him all day and I confess I got caught in the rain in my flat shoes (all my fat feet will fit) not long ago and as a result they stink. S-T-I-N-K. Nasty.
On a more serious note, I'm devo about the run. I had actually been putting some effort into this and I was doing really well. I was also about to dip into the 80's on the scales and suspect this would have been the case had my foot not decided to surround itself in about a kilo of excess fluid.
Sigh.
I so don't want this week to become a write off but no exercise + mildly depressed about no exercise + open bar on wednesday with boy-workmates-#1&2 + girls weekend away in the lovely Hawkes Bay this weekend = dubious results at best.
GRRR when will I ever get ahead!!!!!
Although, while I was lying on the train platform shaking and teeth chattering (I went into shock, because I couldn't possibly be more lame) I overheard the train driver calling the ambulance and he described me as "early twenties". In that moment the pain stopped and the sun shone as I clutched at the hope that I might be imagining the beginning of wrinkles under my eyes. Then the teeth chattering and pain resumed and once more I felt awful.
Oh, and boyfriend was in the middle of dinner with my old workmates (ya know, the ones I was trying to show off my newly found big-city-awesome-job-coolness to) when I rang him, and just to make sure he understood what I said he repeated it loudly and slowly "YOU-FELL-OFF-THE-TRAIN?" in front of EVERYONE. Then my BGP (Best Guy Pal) went over it a bit more after BF had left, just for anyone who hadn't heard. Love that guy. As always, my total coolness is just outstanding.
Here's a pic from the Emergency Dept. I call the swelling in this pic about a 6/10 while 6pm today was a 10/10. Nasty.
So embarrassing I just wanted to die. Then the ambulance came and further mortification ensued.
Picture it, I was on the train to Palmy, all ready for drinks with my old workmates who I miss like crazy, branded up in my new work teeshirt (because let's be honest, I don't miss my old work that much). I didn't want anyone to steal the taxi I had called so I was hurrying, but I still found time to swap my flat shoes for heels (big mistake) before stepping off--------
And suddenly I'm in a collapsed heap on the ground, writhing in pain while people huddle around staring in horror at my right ankle which is suddenly triple the size it was when I started my descent, daintily clad in 4 inch black gold studded heels.
I lost my balance, my right ankle twisted, I fell, somehow there is a graze on the top of my foot (?) from how I landed and I spent Friday night in hospital bawling my eyes out and blubbering about the Waitarere Forest Run. Like a baby I was, like a baby.
So it's really badly sprained. Super bad, the doc was impressed. I'm not.
After 8 hours sitting at work today my foot was like a balloon, I kid you not as soon as my toes stop the inflation starts. Totes foul to look at, unless you are my boy-workmate-#-1 in which case it is an excellent source of entertainment throughout the day.
Poor boy-workmate-#-2 has to put up with me elevating my foot right next to him all day and I confess I got caught in the rain in my flat shoes (all my fat feet will fit) not long ago and as a result they stink. S-T-I-N-K. Nasty.
On a more serious note, I'm devo about the run. I had actually been putting some effort into this and I was doing really well. I was also about to dip into the 80's on the scales and suspect this would have been the case had my foot not decided to surround itself in about a kilo of excess fluid.
Sigh.
I so don't want this week to become a write off but no exercise + mildly depressed about no exercise + open bar on wednesday with boy-workmates-#1&2 + girls weekend away in the lovely Hawkes Bay this weekend = dubious results at best.
GRRR when will I ever get ahead!!!!!
Although, while I was lying on the train platform shaking and teeth chattering (I went into shock, because I couldn't possibly be more lame) I overheard the train driver calling the ambulance and he described me as "early twenties". In that moment the pain stopped and the sun shone as I clutched at the hope that I might be imagining the beginning of wrinkles under my eyes. Then the teeth chattering and pain resumed and once more I felt awful.
Oh, and boyfriend was in the middle of dinner with my old workmates (ya know, the ones I was trying to show off my newly found big-city-awesome-job-coolness to) when I rang him, and just to make sure he understood what I said he repeated it loudly and slowly "YOU-FELL-OFF-THE-TRAIN?" in front of EVERYONE. Then my BGP (Best Guy Pal) went over it a bit more after BF had left, just for anyone who hadn't heard. Love that guy. As always, my total coolness is just outstanding.
Here's a pic from the Emergency Dept. I call the swelling in this pic about a 6/10 while 6pm today was a 10/10. Nasty.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Day One
Day one of my initial 25 days done!
I started training for my Waitarere Forest 5k today as well, I got the gym with the intention of hitting the treadmill but they were all in use and it looked like they were really settling in for the long haul. So I took advantage of the beautiful weather (almost no wind - unheard of for Wellington!) and went for a run along the waterfront. It was hard, not gonna lie. I planned to run 5mins, walk 1 and repeat that 5 times. After the third time my calf muscles and achilles were screaming. I wore heels at work today and I really paid for it. So for the final 15 mins I alternated running with walking a bit more frequently, but I did not give up which makes me hugely proud :)
Last night I found out that the wedding dress I have fallen in love with is waaaayyy out of our price range so I've decided to try on some off the rack gowns in September and if nothing feels like "the one" I will get a dressmaker to copy the one I've found for a fraction of the price.
Food today has been good, I managed to turn my mood around quite well too as I woke up in a foul self-loathing state for allowing myself to be back to 92.5kg on the scales and for once again letting myself down. I can't move forward without forgiving myself for being imperfect, but it's just really hard sometimes!!
Exercise tomorrow is easy as I've got netball (I always manage to stumble into sports teams...) so just need to keep my food on track. I've realised that the problems with me and food starts when I make a conscious decision to go off track. It can start with a small treat, a meal out for dinner that I want to make the most of or it can start with a boozy Friday afternoon, but it always has the same impact and can be really hard to recover from. So I'm going to have a go at no extras, no cheat meals, nothing I can't be accountable for, just to see how it goes. I'm getting to the point where I can't visualise myself smaller because I've been this size for so many years now, and that's scary. So I need to prove to myself that it can be done. If I weigh less than 78kg when I go wedding dress shopping I will be happy. I don't need to be a size 8 or 10, I just want to be have arms that don't spill over everything and I want to be comfortable. Back at that weight I was comfortable, I would always have preferred to lose a bit more but I could walk into stores and take my pick of clothes, I had the confidence to go out dancing with my friends and I could run a bit quicker than my current snail pace.
All in time though, I guess learning about myself as I go is important and that's why losing weight takes so long. Sigh.
I started training for my Waitarere Forest 5k today as well, I got the gym with the intention of hitting the treadmill but they were all in use and it looked like they were really settling in for the long haul. So I took advantage of the beautiful weather (almost no wind - unheard of for Wellington!) and went for a run along the waterfront. It was hard, not gonna lie. I planned to run 5mins, walk 1 and repeat that 5 times. After the third time my calf muscles and achilles were screaming. I wore heels at work today and I really paid for it. So for the final 15 mins I alternated running with walking a bit more frequently, but I did not give up which makes me hugely proud :)
Last night I found out that the wedding dress I have fallen in love with is waaaayyy out of our price range so I've decided to try on some off the rack gowns in September and if nothing feels like "the one" I will get a dressmaker to copy the one I've found for a fraction of the price.
Food today has been good, I managed to turn my mood around quite well too as I woke up in a foul self-loathing state for allowing myself to be back to 92.5kg on the scales and for once again letting myself down. I can't move forward without forgiving myself for being imperfect, but it's just really hard sometimes!!
Exercise tomorrow is easy as I've got netball (I always manage to stumble into sports teams...) so just need to keep my food on track. I've realised that the problems with me and food starts when I make a conscious decision to go off track. It can start with a small treat, a meal out for dinner that I want to make the most of or it can start with a boozy Friday afternoon, but it always has the same impact and can be really hard to recover from. So I'm going to have a go at no extras, no cheat meals, nothing I can't be accountable for, just to see how it goes. I'm getting to the point where I can't visualise myself smaller because I've been this size for so many years now, and that's scary. So I need to prove to myself that it can be done. If I weigh less than 78kg when I go wedding dress shopping I will be happy. I don't need to be a size 8 or 10, I just want to be have arms that don't spill over everything and I want to be comfortable. Back at that weight I was comfortable, I would always have preferred to lose a bit more but I could walk into stores and take my pick of clothes, I had the confidence to go out dancing with my friends and I could run a bit quicker than my current snail pace.
All in time though, I guess learning about myself as I go is important and that's why losing weight takes so long. Sigh.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
I found The One
Today I was surfing the intertubes, in denial about my crazy eating (yesterday I decided that I would eat 600 calories a day so I could become skinny once and for all, which lead to a crazy binge today after being so hungry I could have devoured a small animal... #whenwillIlearn) when I stumbled across The One.
I've wanted to lose weight to look amazing in my wedding dress, but all along I've had a deep seated fear that I haven't liked a single wedding dress despite hours of trawling through bridal websites and even going wedding dress shopping with another bride to be (on a side note - I look gawd awful in the "groomslady" dress said bridetobe has chosen, must not have hips for africa this time next year...).
Until today. Today, by accident I stumbled across a website containing The One. The Dress. The Object of My Affection. My reason to diet.
The One will not suit me the way I look now, it will not skim lightly over my huge hips which have created a tyre-like formation above my arse. It will not highlight my non-existent collarbones. I MUST HAVE THE DRESS AND I MUST LOOK LIKE A GARDEN GODDESS.
I challenge myself to 100 days. 100 days of less than 1500 calories per day. One hundred days of kindness to myself and my body.
Also, I challenge myself to my first ever 5km running race! 14th March - Waitarere Forest. I've even made a training schedule.
So. First phase - 25 days. 3.5 weeks. Goal - Under 89kg.
I will have my dream dress!!! (I've emailed the store - hoping like anything that they have it in stock for me to ogle and it's affordable so I don't have to turn to a life of crime to have it #Icannotbestopped).
I've wanted to lose weight to look amazing in my wedding dress, but all along I've had a deep seated fear that I haven't liked a single wedding dress despite hours of trawling through bridal websites and even going wedding dress shopping with another bride to be (on a side note - I look gawd awful in the "groomslady" dress said bridetobe has chosen, must not have hips for africa this time next year...).
Until today. Today, by accident I stumbled across a website containing The One. The Dress. The Object of My Affection. My reason to diet.
The One will not suit me the way I look now, it will not skim lightly over my huge hips which have created a tyre-like formation above my arse. It will not highlight my non-existent collarbones. I MUST HAVE THE DRESS AND I MUST LOOK LIKE A GARDEN GODDESS.
I challenge myself to 100 days. 100 days of less than 1500 calories per day. One hundred days of kindness to myself and my body.
Also, I challenge myself to my first ever 5km running race! 14th March - Waitarere Forest. I've even made a training schedule.
So. First phase - 25 days. 3.5 weeks. Goal - Under 89kg.
I will have my dream dress!!! (I've emailed the store - hoping like anything that they have it in stock for me to ogle and it's affordable so I don't have to turn to a life of crime to have it #Icannotbestopped).
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