Married!

I don't even know where to start, except to say last Saturday was the absolute best day of my life. I thought it would be a great day, a good celebration, but I was in no way prepared for the joy and love that day had in store.

The aisle I had to walk up was very long, the first half was a covered over arch way all green and pretty, the second half was a trek over a green lawn strewn with 5,000 rose petals the boys had lovingly pulled off rose heads that morning (read: they sat watching the cricket in their hotel, drinking beer and pulling apart roses).

When the old Studebaker I was travelling in pulled up and I caught a distant peek at him, my heart stopped beating. It was like that nervous feeling I got when I saw him on our first date, but with eight and a half years of intensity behind it. I've never felt so happy yet terrified in my life.

My mum walked me through the archway and we chatted, I saw him give his best man a "bro-fist" which made me laugh. I could hear Sting's Fields of Gold but I barely registered the words. My mum handed me over to my brothers who escorted me to my groom, who looked so handsome I wanted to kiss him! They shook his hand, found their seats and then the ceremony flew by. We had written our vows in secret and heard them for the first time, he got a bit choked up when he said his vows, and when I heard them I got a bit teary too. His vows were incredible, for a normally quiet guy, he had really put in 110% to make them perfect. 

I looked over at one point and saw the best man fighting tears and glared at him, I knew if he started crying it would be all over!!

We signed the register to U2 All I want is You and shared what I thought was a perfect wedding kiss. We walked out to Queen You're my Best Friend and my little cousins ran behind us throwing left over rose petals on (at) us. 

Picture

Sometimes despite losing over 20kg I feel absolutely hideously huge and ugly. 
On Saturday I was a groomslady in a close friend's wedding, all day I felt fat, bloated and gross as I have been eating quite badly recently.

Then I saw this picture today and it kind of put life in perspective. Yes I've made some poor choices recently, but I have also made good ones. I can get back on track and I have made a good start.

I try to imagine how I would have felt on Saturday back at my old weight and words can't describe how miserable I would have been and how disgusted I would have been to see the photos. I'm so happy I made this change and so determined to make it last.

I'll leave you with that one just because I think it's hilarious. We found an elephant statue and decided to amuse ourselves with it while the bride and groom were off having their picture taken.

The Liebster Award

So this guy nominated me for this Liebster thingee, not too sure what it's all about to be honest but here goes...

1. What are you passionate about?

At the moment I am passionate about my wedding! I have spent a lot of time recently pondering the meaning of true love and marriage and my head is full of mush. In general though I am passionate about good health, although I have lost my way a bit recently. 

2. What motivates you to get things done?

I've always been quite a driven person, but I definitely feel that success motivates success. Once you push through the initial change resistance and taste a little success you will find it is a lot easier to keep on going. 

3. What stops you from achieving your goals?

Life getting in the way! Some things are outside of my control, but for the rest I find that good planning (days in advance) gets around most tricky situations.

4. Batman or Superman (Human physical and mental greatness or Alien god-like powers)?

Batman. I believe in working with what you have, rather than relying on something to change you.

5. Do you have pets?

I have two beautiful cats, one Bengal and one Moggy. Love them to pieces!

6. If you could travel anywhere for relaxation or excitement where and what would it be?

I would LOVE to walk the Inca trail. Boyfriend says that is NOT what he would call a holiday at all so if anyone out there wants to be my inca trail buddy get in touch yo!

7. What is your favourite movie and why?

I'm not a huge movie person... But I love Kill Bill Vol 1 and Vol 2. I think there's something about B that is so mentally tough and strong, I can relate to that even though I'm not an amazing ninja woman. 

8. Would you use a time machine to alter your past? Knowing that any changes made could completely change your life/knowledge/personality now?

Probably not. While things that happened in my past haven't all been wonderful, I have learned from them all and come through it mentally a lot tougher. The things I would like to change are outside of my control anyway, I would love to go back in time and change my brother's genetics at conception so he wouldn't have needed his surgery but that's not possible.

9. What’s your all time favourite band?

Most likely Pink Floyd. Although I do love The Killers and Muse.

10. What makes a good friend?

Someone who knows my flaws and loves me anyway, someone I can talk to without feeling self conscious and someone who I know will be there no matter what. I'm lucky to have people like this in my life.

11. Why do you blog?

Initially to keep my honest and committed and to provide a visual diary of how far I have come. Now I blog when life gets a bit much and I need to get it all out. I would love to be a better blogger but I'm not sure it will ever happen.

It was fun answering these, not sure that I'll pass it along, don't have time to come up with new ones!

Wedding!

I gotta tell you guys, despite my eating habits not being great I am living in some EXCITING times right now!!

In 4 weeks and 6 days I get to marry my bestie!

Wanna know something stressful? In 3 weeks and 6 days we move house! Garrrhgghhh!! Our landlord decided he wanted his house back, we were originally going to wait until after the wedding but the cutest little flat came up and we were offered it and couldn't say no!

So, timeline for the next month and a bit:
9th Feb - I'm in the bridal party for a friend's wedding, very excited to be a part of it!
16th Feb - Travelling to another wedding, then home again very quickly because...
17th Feb - Run day! I ended up downgrading from a half marathon to a 7k race which is disappointing but it will still be my first ever running event so I'm both nervous and excited about it all the same.
23rd Feb - My Hen's night and Boyfriend's stag party! Mine is out of town so I have a big roadie for this one!
2nd March - Move house and hope everything for the wedding is under control
9th March - might get married?

Then we get to enjoy a brief honeymoon and then head back to our own little house, just the two of us (we currently live with a flatmate who we are sadly bidding farewell to).

Oh, and my eating yesterday and today has been spot on. This morning I woke up, ran to the gym and did a weights workout. I did a lot with kettlebells which was new and fun, hopefully not too sore tomorrow.

So...

Treading water is a funny old thing. You put in some effort to stay afloat, and that can be tiring, but it's not enough effort to actually get anywhere. 

Want to tread water a bit in life?
I'll tell you how, because over the past few months I have become something of an expert.

• Make excuses as to why you don't actually need to make progress
• Revert back to old habits because they are comfortable
• Forget what it feels like to be successful

Essentially, if I continue down the path I am on now I am going to wake up one day weighing 96.3kg and it is going to be very humbling. I feel as if I am clinging on to my weight loss for dear life but I am very close to losing my grip on the ledge and falling back into my old life. 

I can't be that person again! 

Last night I abandoned my plans of going to the gym and then having a salad and glass of wine at home and instead got very drunk, had fish and chips in a pub with my colleagues and now have a very, very sore stomach and feel totally fat. That behaviour isn't my life anymore, it's my old life peeking through.

I just feel so lonely in my new life sometimes though. My friends all go off drinking and I go for a run, or to the gym, or just straight home so I don't eat junkfood at the bar. 

I feel like I am the only person in the world who has to work this hard and give up so much to be in the healthy weight range. But there's that "oh poor me" voice again. This is my own doing, if I had stuck to my calorie intake throughout the week I would have had a bit up my sleeve for a glass of wine. If I could do what I used to do and stop at one glass of wine and no potato chips I could enjoy my Friday nights with friends rather than hiding myself away.

Once again I am finding myself at a point where I need to evaluate my decisions and actions and address the habits that aren't healthy. It's hard to do! But being obese is harder.

I want to get to 65kg, it's my ultimate goal and I need to finish this strong.

Want to stop treading water with me? Take stock of your life and pinpoint the habits that really aren't helping and figure out how you can modify them. Also, if you happen to live in Wellington, NZ and your idea of a good Friday night involves a gym session and a salad please, please be my bestie.

Lost

I'm lost.

Lost in my old habits, lost in how uncomfortable they make me, lost in the disgust of seeing 75kg on the scales again, lost in the fear that I'll never get this under control.

Yikes.

I'm trying to remember what got me started all that time ago back at Easter and kept me on track, and all I can remember is I wrote a blog post saying I have no idea, that success motivates success and you just have to put one foot in front of the other until you make it.

So that I shall.

Ignore the time of the year, ignore the madness going on around you, ignore the negative influences in your life, ignore having bronchitis and ignore the stress. Your emotional state should have no impact on what goes in your mouth.

The first day is the hardest. I'll check in again with progress. I promise.

Sad panda.

AWOL

I have been totally AWOL and I'm sorry!

• Update on paleo - good idea for some, but not for me. My IBS didn't like it too much and tended to get worse, my running performance deteriorated and overall it just wasn't for me. I believe life is too short to cut out entire food groups.
• Update on weight loss - I have not been doing well. I have gained a bit (my lowest is 72.3kg so far) and I am currently hovering around 74kg. Not too happy with this as Christmas is coming and my wedding dress is due to arrive in the next week or two and I need to get down to a weight I will be happy to maintain until March so I can get my dress altered.
• Update on life - stress! Work seems to be ignoring the whole holiday season and is busier than ever, my brother is in hospital and arrrggghh weddings are expensive!
• Update on running - the one part of my life under control. I ran 10km on Saturday! Amazing. I absolutely love it and can't wait to complete the half marathon, just two months to go!
• Update on tennis - I also love it, I want to practice a whole lot and get good enough to play some proper games... But really the only reason I play is to wear a cute skort!