Lost

I'm lost.

Lost in my old habits, lost in how uncomfortable they make me, lost in the disgust of seeing 75kg on the scales again, lost in the fear that I'll never get this under control.

Yikes.

I'm trying to remember what got me started all that time ago back at Easter and kept me on track, and all I can remember is I wrote a blog post saying I have no idea, that success motivates success and you just have to put one foot in front of the other until you make it.

So that I shall.

Ignore the time of the year, ignore the madness going on around you, ignore the negative influences in your life, ignore having bronchitis and ignore the stress. Your emotional state should have no impact on what goes in your mouth.

The first day is the hardest. I'll check in again with progress. I promise.

Sad panda.

AWOL

I have been totally AWOL and I'm sorry!

• Update on paleo - good idea for some, but not for me. My IBS didn't like it too much and tended to get worse, my running performance deteriorated and overall it just wasn't for me. I believe life is too short to cut out entire food groups.
• Update on weight loss - I have not been doing well. I have gained a bit (my lowest is 72.3kg so far) and I am currently hovering around 74kg. Not too happy with this as Christmas is coming and my wedding dress is due to arrive in the next week or two and I need to get down to a weight I will be happy to maintain until March so I can get my dress altered.
• Update on life - stress! Work seems to be ignoring the whole holiday season and is busier than ever, my brother is in hospital and arrrggghh weddings are expensive!
• Update on running - the one part of my life under control. I ran 10km on Saturday! Amazing. I absolutely love it and can't wait to complete the half marathon, just two months to go!
• Update on tennis - I also love it, I want to practice a whole lot and get good enough to play some proper games... But really the only reason I play is to wear a cute skort!

Paleo Tip #1

This recipe is delicious converted to Paleo. Swap the flour for almond meal and skip the sweet chilli sauce if you are super strict. 

Nom!

I must say Peleo is the cheif killer of bloat. Yesterday morning I weighed in at 74.9kg massively bloated from a weekend of binging and booze (my first real off-track week since Easter - not proud). This morning? 73.3kg. Whoaaa.

Today I cheated and had a small scoop of gelato (no cone) at work... I was mega hungry which I think led to the gelato incident. I need to swap my dessert for an extra sack in the day. I'm never hungry after tea, but always ravenous after a no-carb lunch.

Recipe: Paleo Pork Larb

Serves 2.
Ingredients:

• Iceberg lettuce
• Red chilli, finely diced (as much as you like)
• 1 courgette, grated
• eggplant, finely diced (optional)
• brown onion, finely diced
• 300g pork mince
• juice of 1 lime
• ginger, finely diced
• dash of fish sauce
• fresh coriander leaves
• 12 almonds, roughly chopped
• capsicum and cucumber, cut into strips
• 2 tsp coconut oil

Method:

Prepare all ingredients to be cooked (everything except the lettuce, capsicum, cucumber and coriander)

Heat the oil in a pan, brown the mince slightly and add the chilli, courgette, eggplant, onion and ginger. Fry until all ingredients are cooked through (5-10mins). Add a dash of fish sauce and the lime juice (go easy on the fish sauce - that stuff is strong).

Cook for a further minute or two until the sauces have absorbed. Add the almonds and coriander and take off the heat.

Arrange the iceberg lettuce into cup shapes (imagine they are lettuce tacos!) and distribute the pork mixture among the lettuce leaves, add the capsicum and cucumber to complete the "tacos", roll up and eat, no cutlery needed!

Tasted amazing!

Day one of paleo done.

Highlights?

• I had loads of energy at the gym tonight despite being hungry, I ran 5km on the treadmill and then lifted all the things.
• I really enjoyed frozen blueberries microwaved with 1 1/2 TBSP of shredded coconut, the juice was absorbed by the coconut and it was yummers.
• I swapped the milk in my coffee with coconut milk (full fat) and it was actually pretty good.
• Logged my calories, came in around 1,400. Good stuff.

Low points?

• I was hungry at 4pm, like super hungry. Then I remembered fruit is a good option and a small banana took my hungry away.

Paleo?

Paleo is something I've considered for a long time. While I don't really believe in the "eat like a caveman" premise for good health (I have always felt grains are vital for health) but I really want to get my IBS under control and I think Paleo is going to be a good starting point to see what's really going on and it never hurts to be a little open-minded, right?

I'm a little nervous about the following:

• high fat content of what I'm eating
• getting carb deprived and crazy
• my body going keto and my breath becoming like death (although this shouldn't happen if I make sure to eat nuts, pumpkin and kumara I hope??)
• putting on weight
• the impact it might have on running

Things I'm curious about:

• Will it help my recently developed allergies which are driving me crazy?
• Will it mean my life isn't ruled by whether I have an upset stomach?

Tomorrow's food diary:

(I don't include vegetables which are neglible in calories because I'm lazy and because I never have and I've always lost weight regardless).

Menu:
Breakfast - Asparagus with poached egg and fried tomato, half a cup of frozen blueberries with shredded coconut.

MT - black coffee with a dash of coconut milk

Lunch - chicken salad with lettuce, tomato, cucumber, pumpkin, avocado, pumpkin seeds and an olive oil dressing 

Afternoon tea: Apple

Dinner: Pork mince cooked with ginger, chilli and spices served in lettuce leaf cups with chopped almonds and avocado. 

Dessert: Mixed nuts.

Announcements

So it's been a while since I've been in the mood to blog, my blogging motivation comes and goes, at the moment I'm not so fussed. But here's the highlights of my life recently

1. My health - I had a bit of a scare last week when I went to get something I thought was fairly routine checked out and got sent to see a surgeon. I got put on the waiting list to get another opinion and was given some extremely nasty antibiotics as a precaution. They were horrific, I spent 7 days very unwell and am just beginning to feel better now. My exercise was average during that time and so was my eating, I maintained my weight.
2. My weight - I made the healthy weight range!!!! WHOOAAA!!!!!! From obese to normal weight, I currently hover around the 73.6kg mark, and I've maintained there for a few weeks while I tried to figure out whether to stop or keep going. Tentatively I will keep going until I hit the 60s, but below 68kg isn't looking likely, I like my boobs too much and I'm happy they are still a solid D cup (TMI - I'm sorry).
3. Running - I signed up for my first ever half marathon!!!! WHOOOAAA AGAIN PEOPLE!!!!! I have been running quite a bit, in fact tonight after work rather than heading off for drinks I ran up a ridiculous hill to the Observatory and back (around 6km) before catching a bus home. I really love distance runs, this weekend I'm aiming for a 9k training run. Booyaaahhh.
4. Food - I have been experimenting with maintenance over the past few weeks and it has been surprisingly easy. My metabolism seems to be through the roof with all the running, tennis and walking I do so it seems I can get away with quite a lot. Example - We headed home to New Plymouth for labour weekend and I had mucho birthday cake and wine (it was boyfriend's birthday, happy birthday to my favourite!) and a fair bit of hangover food plus more cake, result? Maintained my weight that week. Granted, I did run twice in the three days we were there but still... So yeah, I kinda took a few weeks off tracking everything religiously and stressing about the scales and it's been really nice, last night we celebrated BF finishing his first ever Uni paper by having pizza and beer. I should point out though that my new lifestyle still looks significantly different from my old one even when I am indulging.

• Old pizza and beer night: Eat half a delivered pizza plus chips plus dessert and drink at least three beers, eat until stuffed and feel terrible the next day.
• New pizza and beer night: Share a few glasses of a craft beer we enjoy and eat small woodfired pizzas from our local italian place. Stop when satisfied, wake up feeling fine but a little thirsty.

Ok now I'm started I feel like there's a MILLION things I want to say, I shall try not to leave it so long next time!

Weigh in Tuesday

Not much going on around here peeps so I'm going to drop in quickly with a weigh in:

SW: 96.3kg
Last week: 74.9kg
CW: 74.5kg

Wooooooooot! Lost 400g!!! So happy. That 400g includes the following indiscretions which I am not 100% proud of but accept that they are part of life and I am happy I have found a healthy way to balance them out:
- Jug of beer at quiz night
- Glass of cider at quiz night
- Toasted sandwich (cheese, ham and pineapple) at quiz night
- Second toasted sandwich at quiz night
- Half another toasted sandwich at quiz night
- McDonald's Chicken McCheese burger yesterday
- Giant jaffas x about 2 per day from my workmate's drawer
- Giant jaffas x 10 or more at the Phoenix game Saturday night!

That same 400g also includes the following achievements:
- My first full 5km run last Tuesday night
- Mitigating quiz night last Wednesday by skipping Friday night drinks
- Walking to and from work every time the weather allowed it
- My second full 5km run on Sunday morning.

So all in all a successful week. I know I set ambitious calorie goals last week to get this weight off faster but at the end of the day I just need to truck along and trust that my body knows what it needs to do.

I am 500g away from being considered a normal/healthy weight and I'm so excited to finally be there. Bring it on October!!!

What a weekend!

Yesterday I woke up to find this beautiful weather staring at me:

So I hopped to it and decided to head to the farmers market to buy the week's fruit and veg. Normally I shop at the supermarket but their prices and selection are terrible and I love the atmosphere at the market as well as dreaming about how creative I can be with all the different produce.
I found a skirt I bought on sale years ago in size 12 which I had never been able to wear and decided to give it a go. It fitted so I wore it to the market (NSV: I have NEVER felt confident in anything cut above the knee yet now I wear shorts and skirts all the time). Excuse the mess in my bedroom!

I wandered to the market and spent just under $30, I came home with this haul:

Tonight I'm trying my hand at making moussaka, I'll let you know how I get on!
Yesterday we spent a lot of time in the garden, getting the last of the plants in and putting up wire netting and string for the beans and peas to climb.

The weather closed in last nigh just as we were heading to the stadium to watch the Wellington Phoenix beat Sydney FC (ha!) and we got caught in torrential rain. I spent the whole game shivering but it was still good fun.

This morning the sun was streaming in again and you wouldn't have known there was a storm last night! I went for my second ever 5km run around Evans Bay and it was beautiful. The last 2.5kms were hard as I was heading into a nasty southerly wind but I just slowed my pace and slogged it out.
Boyfriend has been uber lame watching Bathhurst all day and I've been trying my absolute hardest not to annoy him... I just don't understand guys and motorsport... Off to try out this moussaka, enjoy the rest of the weekend peeps!

Progress pics

Legs edition. here.

I did it!

Today after work I ran 5km for the first time ever!!! It was a beautiful afternoon so I ran to the end of Oriental Parade and back, it felt really good and I didn't feel like I had pushed it too hard. Then I met Boyfriend at the tennis courts to get some practice in. 

Weigh in today:
SW: 96.3kg
CW: 74.9kg

You know what that means... Progress pics!!! I've taken them, just waiting on Boyfriend to work his photoshop magic!

Daylight Savings

Officially my favourite time of the year! When Daylight Savings starts!!

Today after work to celebrate it being so light in the evening I walked home through the Southern walkway (I don't feel comfortable when it's darker...) 

How lucky am I to have views like this on my 45 minute walk home from work?

Tennis was cancelled this evening as our coach is away and Simon is in Palmy for the day so I busted into the garden and got some more veggies in.

This year is probably my best year for gardening, I have become obsessed with germinating seeds in my tiny greenhouse and then making special spots for them in the garden! Here is my main garden, I also have a series of pots and planter boxes but this is my current project obsession.

I know you don't care but bear with me! In there I've got asian stir fry greens, broccoli, 2 varieties of corn, peas, tomatoes, courgette and artichoke. I also have a sprinkling of basil seeds around the tomatoes as tomatoes and basil have a not-so-secret love affair and make each other super happy and tasty when planted close by.
I've got some eggplant, chilli, a million more tomatoes, watermelon, capsicum and squash waiting in the growhouse until the weather heats up a tiny bit more for them to make their garden debut.

So there it is! Not bad for a Monday :)

Sweet little lies

I am an extremely honest person, perhaps to a fault when I end up oversharing when a simple white lie could suffice.

- I don't lie to Boyfriend.
- I never lie to my bosses
- I don't lie to friends
- I don't lie to family

I don't lie to anyone. Except one person. 

I have been lying to myself.

- You'll burn that jaffa off on your run tonight
- You'll still be well under calories even though you eat that
- That piece of cake won't do much damage
- Eating chips is ok on Friday nights
- I've earned this chocolate/treat/jaffa
- 1500 calories a day is a good target to lose weight
- I'm so close to goal, I've got to have a life too!

The above statements are things I have been telling myself recently. I also tell myself I'm sick of losing a meagre amount of weight every week. My average weight loss has gone from 800g per week to 300g per week. I know a loss is a loss but it is sporadic and a few almost-binge situations have started to develop.

I found myself in despair this morning after I ate far too many potato chips and drank too much red wine last night and saw 76.6kg on the scales this morning. A gain of 1.1kg overnight. I know thats mostly bloating but honestly!!!!!!

Time to stop kidding myself. I'm almost at goal, shit's gunna get harder from here on in. I need to start doing the following:
- Aim for 1200 calories a day and allow for 4 squares of chocolate on top of that only if I meet the 1200 target. If I cave and eat junk at work then evening chocolate is sacrificed.
- Start doing resistance training 3 times per week at the gym, in a lunch break is fine (at the moment I only do resistance work if it is raining and I needed to use the gym's treadmill for a run). 
- Keep the protein high
- Keep up with running and tennis.

Brighter news - got my very own tennis racquet today! BF and I spent a few hours practicing at the public courts today, so cool!!!
This photo proves I definitely still have 7-8kg to go.

Fear

Fear.
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil,pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feelingor condition of being afraid. Synonyms: foreboding,apprehension, consternation, dismay, dread, terror, fright,panic, horror, trepidation, qualm. Antonyms: courage,security, calm, intrepidity.

During my journey I have learned a lot about emotions, including fear. 
When I binged, I would be effectively covering up my emotions. But at the time I genuinely believed that wasn't the reason, I thought I was eating because I loved food. It is only now that I have stepped out of the binge cycle and started to experience a full range of emotions to their complete extent again that I see now that I was kidding myself. I ate to calm my emotions, eating made it so the only emotion I felt was discomfort and a bit of shame. I didn't like them, but they were familiar.

Anyways, a long time ago I read a few books about giving up binge eating (not helpful as I was in denial that I had a problem) and they talking about recognising emotions and feelings as they come into your head, but not necessarily acting on them or taking them any further. Not overthinking, just observing your feelings and acknowledging them. I thought it was a total load of malarkey. 

On Saturday I realised that since I've been recovering these past few months I have been learning to deal with emotions without even realising.

It all started on Saturday morning. I was staying with friends and had a long run planned for the morning (25 minute run, my longest one to date). I woke up feeling like garbage. My throat hurt, my eyes were swollen, my nose was running and my appetite was gone. I figured I felt so average a run might make me feel better so I went ahead as planned, drove to the river and began my run.

Within 5 minutes I was ready to give up. As soon as my brain started to think about giving up my breathing got quicker and a bit panicky and running got harder. I started to analyse what on earth was going on.

- Is my body too sore to run? No. Muscles are all ok, I've trained well for this.
- Am I too sick to run? No. A bit of a head cold but not much in my chest.
- Am I too unfit to run? No. I've done 20mins before!

- So why do I think I can't do this? I'm scared.
- Scared of what? Failing, having to stop, my body hurting too much, feeling like I will spew by the end.

So let's get this straight. Physically, my body was geared for the run. Mentally, I was letting fear stop me.

In that moment I decided that from now on, fear is no longer the strongest emotion in my body. I have plenty of other emotions which are stronger such as determination, pride, tenacity, ferocity. It was incredible, as I came to that realisation in my mind I swear I felt my feet pick up the pace a little and my breathing evened out.

And so I ran. I ran even though it hurt my throat to breathe, even when my stomach cramped up in the last 10 minutes I forced through the pain, I just told myself over and over that the strongest emotion in my body at this point in time is pride and I have far too much of it to let this run beat me.

At the end of the run I had to stop and gather myself as I was close to puking from the stomach cramp and a bit faint, but within a minute I was walking normally and feeling fine. 

It was amazing, I have learned to recognise emotions and then make a rational decision as to whether I will act on them or not. Fear is an extremely strong emotion which I used at the start of my journey to motivate me. I was scared of being an obese wife and mother, scared of not enjoying my wedding day, scared of crying when I see my wedding photos. I think we can use fear to our advantage, but it's also important not to let fear hold us back. To do that we need to recognise it as fear, rather than the excuses or labels we sometimes give it, and then decide how to act on it.

- What would the worst thing about failing this run today be? I'd feel let down and unfit.
- Why is that so scary, surely you can chalk it up to experience? Um... true. Not scary at all.

Today I attempted another 25min run uphill with a backpack on and I totally nailed it, didn't even think about the time or pain, I just got on and got it done.

So, what emotion do you let control you? 

NSV and a Recipe

Heya!

I quickly wanted to get a post in before I head off to Palmy tomorrow to see friends who I love and miss and get some much needed wedding planning done.

First of all - major non scale victory today people! I went to the gym (day two of week six of the c25k in case you were wondering how that's going - great!) and then did a punishing weights work out. While on my last set of press ups I decided to have a crack at full press-ups, like on my toes. Much to my surprise despite my muscles already being massively fatigued I managed to do three full press-ups. Wow. 

I've NEVER done that in my life!!!

Also, this should be NSV number 2 - I managed three sets of 12 tricep dips without giving up. Another awesome thing is while I was doing said tricep dips I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and honestly did not recognise myself. My arms looked muscular, my posture was perfect and my stomach was flat. There was a fit, slim girl in the mirror smashing out some tricep dips with perfect form (brag brag) and it took a few seconds to register that girl was me.

Anyways, enough going on about me, let's hear some more about me. This is my breakfast, I have it every single day and love it soooo much I had to share. I also spammed peeps on my instagram with it (peanutbuttagal).

First off, grab half a cup of frozen blueberries and nuke them in the microwave for 40 seconds so they are 80% thawed.

Next stick 45g of quick oats in a bowl, add warm water until they are just covered. Nuke it for 1 minute with the microwave on 80% power.

Once that's done it should have expanded a little. Add a splash of trim milk (seriously not much if you like porridge gluggy like I do) and give it a good stir. There should be a bit of milk sitting on top but not much. Back in the microwave for a minute but watch it closely because depending on your microwave power or the amount of milk you use it runs the risk of overflowing (mine generally doesn't but I still watch it as I've been caught out once or twice!).

 When it's done, add half a serve of vanilla or banana protein powder (I use sculpt vanilla because it's delicious but I'm aware others are probably a bit lower carb) and another splash of milk. Stir it in, the powder will thicken the porridge, if you like it more runny just add more milk! Add your blueberries and viola! Delicious breakfast for 302 calories.

New teeshirt

Meet the "Don't care bears" my latest work tee-shirt (yes, the company I work for thinks it's totally cool for their accountant to wear this to work).

(got it from threadless.com)

P.S 75.8kg this morning. Woot! Total loss = 20.5kg

Finding Balance

Something I have thought about a lot recently is finding balance.

Is it possible to lose weight while having a social life?
Is it possible to have the body of your dreams without constantly feeling deprived?
Is it possible to keep the weight off?

Someone said something to me the other day that kind of made it all click. She is struggling with her weight and is going to use HCG to get the weight off. She told me: "When I go back to eating normally I should be able to keep it off". I think I offended her when I bluntly replied "The reason most people can't lose weight is because they refuse to accept that their normal needs to change".

It's like the age old saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always got"

Want to lose weight? CHANGE YOUR NORMAL.

It's not easy! That's why most people can't do it. 

But... at the same time... Want to keep it off? FIND BALANCE.

I would love to eat 100% clean, high protein, low carbs and lift heavy things until I have a bikini model's body but I know it's not what I personally want to live like. I want to enjoy Friday night drinks with friends, enjoy soft serve Tuesday at work and continue learning to cook amazing food. So far I have not given up any of those things. I have cut down to help shift the weight, but I have not given them up. And I never will.

I eat 1,500 calories per day, and I go over that at least one day a week. I eat chocolate every day. When jet plane lollies are going around at work I take two without tracking it. I don't eat my calories earned by exercise, and I exercise once or twice a day by running, hitting the gym, tennis lessons and also simple things like walking to work which gets in a lot of exercise as well as saving me money and the helping the environment.

The trick with weight loss is so simple it would have blown my mind if I had known it in January:
Find something you can do forever and just stick with it. Don't do it all at once, change one thing at a time until you are there.

Don't want to eat fish and steamed veggies forever? Then don't. But at the same time, don't expect the body that goes with it. Don't want to give up a daily muffin and mocha? Then don't, but also don't complain if you are overweight. I will be happy to be a stocky size 10/12 when I hit goal... Because it means I don't have to give up things that are more important to me than a clothing size.

Fun facts

Because I love talking about myself and all, here are some fun facts:

1. In case you haven't guessed, I live in Wellington and love it to pieces. But boyfriend and I both grew up in New Plymouth, where we would like our children to grow up as well.

2. I am a Chartered Accountant, I work for a publicly listed company doing mostly technical work and absolutely love it. It takes seven years to become a CA and it is my proudest achievement to date.

3. The above point does not make me good with my money (although I wish it did).

4. I love Pink Floyd and I also have a bit of a thing for 90s soft rock such as Counting Crows, Wallflowers etc.

5. We have two cats (or maybe they have two pet humans?) who we dote on. We have a little moggy and a Bengal, the Bengal plays fetch and destroys the house.

6. Boyfriend proposed to me after a surprise helicopter ride around the Wellington area, it was the most special moment and it still gives me butterflies when I think about it. My engagement ring stone is an apricot/pink tourmaline. I wanted something a bit different.

7. I love giant jaffas and peanut butter. Not together though. I love coffee but only good quality espresso. 

8. I enjoy doing leg work at the gym, like squats and lunges, but hate doing arm work. My legs are real power houses and I love feeling strong.

9. If I won lotto I would buy a small cottage in the Mediterranean and spend half the year there, thus never living through a winter again.

10. Vegetable gardening gives me a huge amount of satisfaction, it is one of the most relaxing activities I have found, which is great for someone who is normally tense like me. At the moment I am growing herbs, garlic, lettuce  spinach, bok choy, asian greens, artichoke, tomato, courgette and a few others. Summer is when the fun starts!

 11. I love to cook. One of my goals post-wedding is to incorporate more gourmet cooking into my new lifestyle without the gourmet weight-gain. I think I might have to start running a lot more!

Dress pictures

Let's get the boring stuff out of the way... It's weigh-in day...

SW: 96.3kg
CW: 76.5kg
That's down 200g since last week. I was sitting on 76.2 on Saturday morning but I decided to enjoy my time with my mum and bridesmaids on Saturday night and we went out to Planet Spice for an amazing Indian curry and I had a few cheeky glasses of red wine. No big deal.

Here are some photos of two dresses that I have definitely decided against, I can't post the one I'm thinking of just in case Boyfriend happens upon it. I should note that I'm a little worse for wear in the photo as we had to run six blocks in torrential rain to get to the store. It was not fun!

Vanity check: doesn't my waist look TINY!????

So um yup that is all I have for today, I've got thoughts in my head that I need to get down, maybe tomorrow.

Dress Shopping - Quick recap

Caution: Boring wedding talk!!!

First off, I'd just like to say that my concerns were totally invalid. I can't help but admit that I LOVED the way I looked in the dresses, my belly is flat and my waist is small. I comfortably fit all size 12 dresses in the shops and was even in a size 10 at one point.

Ok here's a quick recap:

We started at Brides on Thorndon, where I did not fit any of the dresses, they were all in size 14 and the lady had to grab the back of the dress and pull hard for us to see what it looked like. I fell in love with a traditional lace gown with an amazing low back on it as well as a gown with a little less lace and a bit of beading on it, with shoulder straps which I really love. I would love to have either of those dresses, the only thing that turns me off is they don't fit so I can't visualise what it would be like, and the service at the store wasn't amazing. The lady was great, but no photos were allowed and life was just a bit easier at the second store.

We grabbed a quick coffee before heading over to Astra Bridal. I tried on the usual variety of dresses (which started to all look the same) and fell in love with a traditional lace dress with crystals, I'm not a huge fan of beading but this dress made it work and I could imagine peeling the lace off if I have a daughter for her to incorporate into her gown (a dream every mother has but I'm sure by then it will be so unfashionable). I also fell in love with a frou-frou  dress that we nicknamed the "swan" gown. I can't even describe why I love it so much and I know it is very much an "in-fashion" dress and the only reason I don't buy that one is that I wonder if I will still love it as much in a few years time once fashions have changed?

Now to decide! This decision is killing me. My plan is to revisit the stores next weekend, in the reverse order so I can try them all on again and make my final decision. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to do it, and it might end up coming down to liking the service at Astra Bridal better.

Oh! And yesterday morning I weighed in at 76.2kg which means I broke through the 20kg lost mark! Fantastic!!!

Freaking out

In January I set the goal that before I even set foot in the door of a wedding dress shop I would weigh less than 78kg.

In June I set a date with my bridesmaids to go on the wedding dress hunt. I calculated in excel how much weight I would need to lose per week to get to 78kg (600g by the way) and decided I could do it.

My weight this morning was 76.4kg and on Saturday I am going wedding dress shopping.

I should be stoked, I smashed my goal out of the park. But I'm not. I'm totally freaking out. 
I still see myself as huge, I don't know if anything will fit me or look good and I hate my arms. I also don't know what size to order the dress in as I still have around 8kg to go before I reach goal. I am literally dreading the weekend and wish this week would go slower.

This should be exciting!!!

At the moment I have been having loads of fat days. I think I always imagined that when I got to this weight I would be looking fantastic. I'm pleased with how I look but I still hate my arms and legs. I'm worried that when I get to the magic 68kg I'll still feel like this. When is enough going to be enough? I don't want to go overboard, I want to live a balanced life. I think part of that is going to involve learning to accept a result that is less than perfect.

I will always have chunky thighs, but I also think that makes me good at running and cycling. 
I have a little loose skin on the tops of my arms, but this will improve over the next year or two and it's a constant reminder of my hard work and discipline.

I just feel a bit lost at the moment.

On a brighter note, I went shopping last weekend and bought myself a pair of size 12 jeans and a new jersey, check out the new threads:

A big cow

Once upon a time there was a chubby yet happy Hailey who loved to ride her cruiser around Palmy North. One sunny Friday afternoon in 2011 she set off from work on her cruiser, feeling good about the spring day and excited to meet up with some friends for a beer in the sun.

As she left work, stopping to get onto the road with her bike a car full of young men stopped at the intersection. 

"Look! There's a big cow!!!" exclaimed one. The others laughed at this giant cow on her bike, how dare she be out enjoying the nice weather. On her bike Getting some exercise.

I died a little bit inside that day. It wasn't since I was at intermediate school that someone had made fun of me because of my weight. 

I was around 90kg, big yes, obese yes, but I wasn't HUGE. 

So many beautiful, intelligent women in this world are ridiculed or judged by small minded pigs because of their size, or their looks, or because they have intelligence and aren't afraid to show it. I didn't lose weight for those losers in the car that day, I lost weight for me and my health. 

That experience has taught me to not judge people until I know them, and to give everyone the respect that they deserve. 

They may have won that battle by reducing me to tears and ruining my night, but I've won the war. They can get fucked.

Zoo Day!

Boyfriend is back from Aussie, yay!

Because I'm such an awesome girlfriend I didn't force him to sleep in and be lame, instead I let him get out of bed early and come to the Zoo with me! 

I started the day by finishing week three of the C25K, because I'm awesome like that. 

Then we hit People's Coffee en route to the Zoo, this is where only the hippest of all hipsters can be found (BF and I stand out like sore thumbs, we are painfully non-hipster/mainstream, but noone's perfect right?).

Then I discovered one of my newest favourite animals (although the Giraffe will always be number one in my heart), the squirrel monkey:

(Courtesy of my instagram, peanutbuttagal).

Now BF is being totally lame watching Formula 1, but he did walk to the Zoo and put up with my inane animal chatter for a solid hour so he's earned it.

My skinny list

Everyone wanting to shift some weight has their own reasons, whether it's health, family, vanity or a combination everyone needs that motivating factor to get them to change. On top of that main reason, there are also nice things that happen along the way that skinny people can take for granted. 

Here is my "skinny list" of things I yearned for when I was bigger/still yearn for (I have crossed out the ones that I've achieved):

• Cross my legs comfortably
• Be in the 70s
• Reach "virgin fat" (72kg or lower)
• Beat binge eating
• Run for 30 mins without stopping
• Sit comfortably on flimsy outdoor chairs
• Have the energy to get out of bed in the morning
• Lose enough weight for people to notice
• Be under 78kg for my wedding dress fitting
• Shop in regular clothes shops
• Wear my size 12 jeans that were too small at Uni
• Live with peanut butter
• Enjoy holidays with loads of energy for activities
• Love having my photo taken again
• Buy and wear expensive lingerie without feeling ridiculous
• Wake up every day knowing I made a commitment to myself and followed through
• Feel my collarbones and hip bones
• Learn to maintain my weight healthily once I reach goal
• Go skydiving
• Weigh myself monthly instead of daily
• Look forward to summer and the beach
• Love and treasure my wedding photos without a shred of regret
• Wear light coloured tops in summer without worrying about huge sweat patches
• Never set a new years resolution to lose weight ever again
• Raise my (eventual) children to be active and healthy
• Be an inspiration to others

Irony Chocolate

That is the name I have just invented for chocolate that is purchased while out on a run. It struck me as kinda funny that I was standing in line at the supermarket after my run along the waterfront (which was MAGNIFICENT) with sweat still running down my face buying chocolate. 

I like to have a daily treat, and I forgot to buy something at the supermarket on Saturday and decided today that I had gone long enough without an evening treat! 

Here is the collection of things I craved and bought after my run, I'm proud that these are my defaults nowadays:

- Sparkling water with lemon
- Dark chocolate (I have discovered this brand isn't great for dark choc so I'll stick with lindt from now on)
- Eve apples for work.

What a huge transformation, from a girl who goes to the supermarket on the way home from a sedentary day at work to buy a huge amount of food to binge on to the girl who stops in on the way back from her afternoon run (after walking 45 mins to work and playing a game of netball at lunchtime I might add) to buy some healthy snacks to get her through to grocery day. 

My workmate texted me just before telling me to bring my running gear, we are going to take advantage of the weather and get a lunchtime run in. I'm scared, this won't be run-walking, this will be running at a boy's pace. My body is not ready!!!

Weigh-In

So today was Tuesday which can only mean... Weigh in day!!!

SW: 96.3kg
Last week: 77.3kg
Today: 77.4kg

I gained 100g. Undeserved? Yup. Had I worked hard? Yup. Am I devastated or upset?....Nope.

I'm on the final slog to 68kg, my body has lost a huge amount of weight in a relatively small amount of time and maybe it's starting to dig its heels in a bit. I can be patient and wait for the scales to catch up with me, it's no big deal. 

It should be noted, that if I had gone on an eating bender and thrown all my hard work out the window yes I would be devastated and very upset. But I haven't, so I'm not :)

Plan for this week? To relax, not worry about the scales and just keep on keeping on. I am confident I will see the number 76 next week!

--------------------------------------------

NSV of the day:
We bought peanut butter on Saturday people. Peanut Butter. 

Perhaps I should backfill this story a little by saying that in my former years as a food crazed mad-woman I would eat peanut butter from the jar with a spoon. I could not stop myself. I would come home from work and eat at least four pieces of peanut butter on toast before Boyfriend got home. It was so bad we had an agreement that peanut butter did not enter our home, but sometimes I caved and bought it anyway.

Anyways, we bought it on Saturday and I didn't even think that with Boyfriend being in Aussie for the week, leaving me home alone, that this would be a HUGE risk of peanut butter mayhem and inches making their way back onto my thighs. Potentially a fatal mistake in the weight loss world of moi.

Today I got out the PB, grabbed a teaspoon and... used it to mix some PB with soy sauce, chilli and ginger for my satay pork stir fry tonight. I didn't for a moment contemplate eating any because nowadays I know a slippery slope when I see/smell one. The concept of eating that PB with a spoon and feeling it stuck to the roof of my mouth actually didn't appeal. Has good sense prevailed? For now I will say yes, but this journey has taught me that I must ALWAYS be on guard for bad habits to make a stealthy return in a moment of weakness. My food habits are like little ninjas in my brain, they stay well hidden but are deadly when they strike!

P.S Peanut Butter: I still love you dearly, just in moderation. I look forward to goal when we could maybe spend some time together once a week for breakfast, but until then maybe not.

Monday!

Monday Monday Monday!

I finished work today so excited that the weather had cleared all ready to walk home. It wasn't until I went to get changed that I realised: no socks.

So gutted!

Was that going to stop me? No way!  It was still light when I got home and my legs were itching for some exercise so I threw on my running gear complete with shiny new jacket. Result?  Week 2 of the c25k done and the realisation that nothing feels better than making a commitment to yourself and actually following through.

Also, while running I got this overwhelming feeling that this might actually be something I will enjoy doing. I love running so far and I hope I continue to love it as I transition from mostly walking to mostly running!

I then got my domestic ninja on, lit the fire and cooked my chicken with sweet potato pancakes for dinner. Now? In front of the fire watching My Kitchen Rules. Bliss.

Sunday

Taking a well deserved rest day. Boyfriend is in Australia until Friday so I am spending some quality time with the laptop.

C25K - Initial Thoughts

So, as you may have guessed by my previous ramblings I am giving the Couch to Five Kilometres (C25K) programme a shot. 

For those of you unfamiliar, this is basically designed to get an extremely unfit person off the couch and running 5 kilometres or 30 mins without stopping within eight weeks. Eight weeks!

You can find it here.

So, yesterday I finished Week 2 Day 1. But it should be noted that many years ago when I was last at this weight I finished the programme so I do know it reasonably well. Here is my very amateur view on the programme:

I love it. 

Why?

- Week 1 is so easy that almost anyone can do it, so you feel like a winner from the get-go.
- The transitions between weeks have been carefully worked so that if you have finished the previous week your body will be ready for the challenge. 
- The programme will push you until you are at your limit but no further. You won't end up in a heap or vomiting, you'll just be exhausted and darn proud!
- There is LOADS of support out there in weight loss communities for this programme. Reddit has a great C25K page with like minded people sharing their adventures and best of all there are even smartphone applications and podcasts which will time your runs for you.
- Running is a daunting exercise to take up because it is HARD and people often try to do too much too soon and get frustrated, this slows the pace and gets results.

Thinking of doing it? Want some tips? No? Too bad I'm going to dish them out anyway.

• I love Robert Ullrey's podcasts, he made them in around 2005 I think and they have always been the best way for me to do C25K, especially as my galaxy is a bit big to lug around on a run.
• Don't be tempted to skip weeks. I have been almost sprinting my runs in week one because it is so easy, but remember this programme is not only building fitness, it is also conditioning your muscles and legs for running. Running is high impact and your body needs time to get used to it.
• Don't be afraid to repeat a week. It's not a failure, this programme is a guideline not an absolute rule. Do what suits you and your level of fitness.
• Run in any weather, up hills or down. If we all waited for the perfect conditions nothing would ever get done! (Fully stole that from a picture I saw today - judge me).
• Have fun! I am loving the programme and I hope all C25K newbies do as well!

Tomorrow morning will be a hard slog, weather is gusty and cold with a chance of drizzle, and because I'm going from home it means a very steep uphill climb in the last 5 mins of running. Still excited!

What a day!

I love living in Wellington, and I love the attitude living here has given me about the weather. I'm not too phased by the wind and rain, I don't find it particularly cold here. But what I do love is how much I worship sunny days.

I check the weather forecast several times a day, searching for a promise of a clear sunny day, especially one on a Saturday or Sunday. Once I have one in my sights I immediately start planning, how can I make the most of this treasure? I'm going to start blogging a bit more about my treasured Wellington days, we won't live here forever but I'll always remember this as such a happy time.

Today was one of those magical days, and for a work day it wasn't bad!

I got up at 6.30 (something I've gotten very good at since putting my alarm on the other side of the room!), got into my work out clothes and walked the 4km to work:

The view from part of my walk.

At lunchtime I met up with boyfriend for lunch (<---- actually means he had lunch while I drank a coffee and then reheated healthy leftovers when I got back to my desk). It was the perfect winter lunch break:

After work I decided the weather was still so good it would be silly to waste it and since I already had my gym gear I put on my backpack and ran/walked home, ticking day one, week two of the C25K off my to-do list. Win!

I rounded out the day by preparing a chicken and quinoa salad with for dinner, with enough left for lunch tomorrow:

Delish!!!

So yeah! Great day and I feel like I've achieved so much as well as fitting in a pesky 8 hours of solid spreadsheet ninja time. Boom!

My weight: Official weigh in on Tuesday saw me at 77.3kg which is exactly 19kg gone! This morning I was pretty annoyed to see 78.3kg, I know I shouldn't weigh myself daily but seeing that really peeved me off. It is probably just water or something... But it does still mess with my head a bit. I guess now I just need to focus on how awesome I am feeling and that I am actually happy with how I look. I have a million times more energy than ever before, I fit a size 12/14 and I'm so happy. I will get to my goal eventually, it's just going to take perseverance and a bit more patience. 

Run happened!

Sorry this is so late, should have posted yesterday but blogger on my new phone (!) is playing up.

Was not raining but was mighty windy!

And that's week one of the couch to five k done. Boom!

Rain rain

Go away... going to run tonight regardless of the weather, going to run tonight regardless of the weather...

Chicken with kumara pancakes

Ever wanted a quick, low calorie, clean dinner? Well you can thank me later:
In a bowl mix:
1 tablespoon of flour
Four finely died spring onions
one tablespoon of minced ginger
One egg
Add 300g of grated purple kumara
Spread into a pancake in a sandwich press and cook until browned.
Slice 250-300g chicken breast and cook in a pan. Add juice of one lemon in the last few minutes of cooking.
Once the pancake is done slice it in half and place onto two plates. Top with chicken and pour over sweet chilli sauce to taste.

Enjoy!